YAY! Nadine Dorries is no longer a “number 2” #TheFourStreets

***ANOTHER UPDATE, SHE’S NO LONGER A “NUMBER TWO” ***

FINALLY ONLY A WEEK AFTER THE ” BANK HOLIDAY ONLY SPECIAL OFFER PRICE OF 20p” WAS SUPPOSED TO FINISH, SHE HAS MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE KINDLE BOOK CHARTS. YAY!!

BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

Well done Nadine, the Head of Zeus Publishers and of course to all of you lovely readers who supported this worthy cause. What a triumph for the good people of Zeus to have their faith in a much-panned book restored. This is the cheapest Kindle book in the top ten by a mile, so – if you haven’t already spent your 20p – get in there quick, before they hike the price back up to about 50p!

 

** UPDATE SUNDAY 4TH @ 13.24 – THANKS TO THE FANTASTIC EFFORTS BY EVERYONE, THE BOOK IS NOW AT NUMBER 3!!  PLEASE KEEP SHARING TO GET HER RIGHT TO THE TOP **

 

I know we have had our differences over the past few years but I’m a forgiving soul and my MP, Nadine Dorries really needs our help right now.

Unless you’ve been on another planet/living in a cave/exist in the “Real World” without social media or just don’t really care – you are bound to have noticed that Nadine has a book out. Not just a ‘book’ but the first in a trio – set in 1950’s Liverpool (a literary feat in itself being as Nadine wasn’t born until 1957, what a memory!).  The book is “heartbreaking” according to her publisher ‘Head of Zeus’ who confidently forked out a four-figure sum to secure the rights to the trilogy.

The book was released on April 8th 2014 to massive fanfare including newspaper reviews, a launch party and even a 4-page spread in The Sunday Times magazine.  However, despite all her best efforts, sales are embarrassingly low and (in order to boost sales according to Nadine)  Amazon have reduced the price of the Kindle version to just 20p!  This policy seems to be working as, at less than half the price of any other book in the top ten, its currently number 8 in the “Kindle Chart” (and not in a mere genre sub-category, I hasten to add)! What a bargain! Now, some of you who have paid £10 for the hardback might be a little annoyed that it’s been reduced so dramatically on Kindle in less than 3 weeks since the publishing date but apparently that’s just how things work in publishing.

This book, ‘The Four Streets’, is simply bursting with drama and larger than life characters (many using colourful, authentic Irish prose) including a paedophile priest, wicked stepmother, abused kids Kitty & Nellie and ‘Maura’ – a lady who sounds exactly like Les Dawson’s hilarious roller-wearing, breast-nudging ‘Cissie’ ! Although the book is receiving a lot of negative reviews, please don’t let that put you off. What else you could spend your 20p on that will give you so much in return? Well, lets have a look shall we?

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We visited Wilko’s and Lidl and Nisa today to see just what you spend your 20p on. Amongst our haul were mushy peas, cat food, toilet rim freshener, “Oink” crisps, cocktail sticks, paracetamol, cleaning sponges and paracetamol. Although they are all very useful to have around the house, none of these could possibly compare to The Four Streets. In fact the only thing that came close were in the reduced section of Wilko’s  –  TWO snow shovels for 20p! Yes, TWO complete snow shovels for just 20p. But, as it’s not winter and she really does need our help – I’m asking you to do the right thing – buy the book. Even if, like me, you haven’t got a Kindle to read it on, it’s only 20p and it would make her SO happy to be number one in the Kindle charts. I can almost see her tweeting with glee now. Go on, have a heart…

Buy it here: (Note Maureen Lee’s “The Seven Streets of Liverpool” which was published 12 days before. Its set in the same place, even has a “Kitty” in it and is on sale for a shocking £4.49 while Nadine’s bargain book is 95.5% cheaper than Maureen’s! Its a no-brainer!)

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Nadine’s Adventures in Makingitallupland #Dorries

[In this episode, the role of Alice will be played by Nadine Dorries]

There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever going to get to bed.

“Having given up claiming expenses, I’m blowed if I’ll pay £300 for an hotel!! I’d rather sleep in an car. London, get your act together!” said Alice. 

Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged alibi, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice’s first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted!

“Also found flat key under desk in office, so, no more hotels. #thingsarelookingup” said Alice (8 days later)

 alice-in-wonderland-01

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest London flat garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head though the doorway; (as her ego was SO massive) `and even if my head would go through,’ thought poor Alice, `it would be of very little use as I haven’t got a brain without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.’ For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the pub table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules or a police constable for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle of red on it, (`which certainly was not here before,’ said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME‘ beautifully printed on it in large letters.

It was all very well to say `Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do THAT in a hurry. `No, I’ll look first,’ she said, `and see whether it’s marked “poison” or not’; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by STALKERS wild beasts, and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not stop finding stuff out about Alice remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if your hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was NOT marked `poison,’ so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished herself off it off.

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With thanks and apologies to Lewis Carroll

Occasional Table sourced from Occasional Flat. Key of Convenience to Room of Sudden Alibi Requirement appears courtesy of Imaginationland Industries, a subsidiary of Averbrook & Avinalaugh

The Four S’s – Fiction Review #DorriesTheAuthor

Today I have been fortunate enough to have access to a literary masterpiece written by new author Nadine Dorries MP. Impressed by her wordsmanship, I feel compelled to put pen to paper myself by writing this review of her work.  

This autobiographical work of fiction, takes us from late Summer 2006 to the present day in an exciting roller-coaster ride full of dramatic twists and u-turns.  Feel the author’s passion as she pours her heart out, taking you on a journey of jealousy, passion, resentment and revenge. Feel the deep emotions of the author on every page as she digs takes you deeper and deeper holes for herself making you plead inwardly for her to stop. Just stop. 

Our “Working Class heroine” bravely battles through torrid tales of botched botox abortions, adultery, alcoholism, liars, thieves, super-powered fetuses, more liars, expense-scandals, handbags, gladrags, liars and of course, the Four Stalkers themselves. 

Watch her stand accused of theft, struggle to find love – turn family against family – ditch love – stand accused of theft, find herself in a jungle, get thrown out of a jungle, stand accused of theft and all the while yearn for someone to just believe in her. 

This truly is a masterpiece of fiction writing, well worth the £66,000+ we, the tax-payer shell out every year in order to support this poor, struggling writer in her endeavors to convince everyone she is not on the fiddle  save the world from evil abortion doctors make this world a better place for her and her daughters pockets

I dread look forward to reading a lot more from this author, I understand she also has this new book coming out..  

Editor Rosie de Courcy said: “Nadine is one of the most naturally gifted storytellers I have ever come across”

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No shit Sherlock.. 😉 

 

 

Photo ht @GaspardWinckler

Dear Boundary Commission, re: Nadine Dorries

Dear Boundary Commission people, my excuse for a politician MP has written to many in her constituency begging demanding stamping her feet  asking them to write to you in regard to the review you are undertaking.  The letter (pictured below with thanks to @LfcSandra )  contains a template for emails but I prefer to write my own words.

We in Mid Bedfordshire couldnt give a flying fuck are not overly concerned about the boundary changes and have complete faith in your ability to decide what is best for us. What does worry us is the continued presence of a self-serving, bitter, conniving, manipulative, lying MP who is more interested in making personal attacks than doing her duty in representing her constituents. 

God speed your reforms.. 

Best wishes, 

The WHOLE of Mid Bedfordshire 

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The Winner Takes It All.. too far?

Wikipedia statistics show that 15% of alcoholics commit suicide. Fact.  As many as 25% of alcoholics suffer from severe psychiatric disturbances.  The most prevalent psychiatric symptoms are anxiety and depression disorders. What leads an individual to take his/her own life is a subject for another day, this post is about one alcoholic in particular. Her name is Rachel Butler.

Rachel Butler is an alcoholic.  She is also a woman whose husband left her just after Christmas (just 2 weeks ago).  She has not only lost her husband which, although the marriage was (in her own words) long dead, she has lost her dignity to boot.   

For most people, a relationship breaking down is painful and stressful enough. Add to that alcoholism, betrayal and mistrust (regarding dates) and what have you got?  A terribly vulnerable woman who, rightfully or wrongly gave an interview to the press…

A former friend is now openly having a relationship with the available husband John (but only SINCE he left the family home we are told ). Upon being informed that Rachel had given an interview to The Mail, this friend posted press releases on her blog-page which state that Rachel is an “abusive alcoholic”.  Amongst these is one from Rachel Butler’s daughter Lucy in support of her father’s new relationship, denouncing her mother. Heartbreaking.

The statements were then published in full, in The Daily Mail and many other national newspapers since.  In response, the distressed Rachel has admitted she is an alcoholic, declared that she would name her former friend on the divorce petition and labelled her a “marriage wrecker”.  The Daily Mail again acting as host.

It’s all gone a bit Jeremy Kyle with this publication (but without the patient doctor waiting in the wings to offer his help). Nor are there bouncers at hand to prevent the parties from further blackening not eyes but reputations on all sides.

Time for our media to grow up and take some responsibility, this is not a side-show, these are real people, one of whom at least is extremely vulnerable.  They should not allow or encourage even more damage to be done to an already damaged woman, in the name of readership figures and “entertainment”.  Why not? I refer you back to my first paragraph.

I truly hope that the rest of this sorry tale can be played out in private, with all sides finding the help and happiness they deserve.

If you would like to speak in confidence about an alcohol problem you can contact Alcoholics Anonymous here.  The NHS also offer advice on their “Live Well” page, which has links for your local area.

* Since finishing the post I have discovered this Daily Mail article..  “on and on it goes, where it stops, nobody knows”: Willy Wonker.

** This post has been edited since first publication as it contained my personal media experiences which I have since decided to delete.

Twit-Watch UK – 9/01/2011

Inspired by @Chislehurst, this is the first TwitWatch UK post.. if all goes to plan and you like them, I will make them weekly all year 🙂

Coalition raise VAT to 20% – Twitter plot’s to scupper the extra tax on biscuits by pledging to buy Jaffa Cakes instead of HobNobs..  mwa ha ha..  (I had trouble finding Jaffa Cakes today, they were sold out in a lot of stores #TwitterWin )

1st Anniversary of the day a man made a stupid joke  – A year ago this week, Paul Chambers sent the #TwitterJokeTrial tweet, which led to a conviction and him losing his job.  Paul (with the help of fantastico lawyer @JackOfKent aka David Allen Green) is taking the case to the High Court in a bid to clear his name.  To help Paul, please donate what you can to the Trial Fund or buy a fab T-Shirt or Mug 🙂

I Am Spartacus!

Kenneth Tong, You’re SO Wrong..  This week also brought us the joy that is Kenneth Tong, a man with the plan to make all women a size Zero. I have NEVER been a size Zero in my life, certainly not going to try it now.. pass the Jaffa cakes..

RIPs – Twitter mourned the loss of Gerry Rafferty and Pete Posselthwaite this week and for an hour or so, that of Gabrielle Giffords, the US Senator who was critically injured (first thought of as dead) in a horrific shooting for which the Tea Party are seemingly responsible.. if only indirectly, which left 6 people including a nine-year old girl, dead.

Expenses Scandal MP Jailed –  On Friday, Labour MP  David Chaytor was rightfully imprisoned for 18 months over his £20,000 expenses fraud. This news was somewhat overshadowed by sordid revelations by my MP!

Hashtaggery – A silly hashtag #LameToFame gave us all a laugh this week, my contribution was the fact I have a pair of Johnny Vaughn’s discarded long-john’s.. long  john’s/long story.. !

Jaffa Cakes – In support of the splendid Jaffa Cake and inspired by last week’s TV special #StarGazing presented by Professor Brian Cox, Humph revives the wonderful “Eclipse” advert…

Full Moon...

 

Half Moon....

 

Total Eclipse !!

2010 in a coconut-shell…

2010 was weird and wonderful in equal measure.  As I lost my mobility and personal freedom, I gained Twitter and blogging.  Twitter gave me company and self-esteem through a horrible year, I have even made real-life friends through it, “tweeting up” locally and in Derby. Blogging kept me sane and allowed me to explore writing styles and share my sense of humour in bigger doses than I could do on Twitter (sorry about that 🙂 ).

The Eurovision and World Cup gave me the best laughs of the year as I was inspired to make avatar pictures to represent each country. Eurovison night itself was a massive challenge as I had to change profile picture 25 times! 

Eurovision Avatars!

 

World Cup Avatars

 

Throughout the year I raised awareness for many different causes.  I got myself into a LOT of trouble with my local MP who “outed” my real name, much to my dismay. I really like being Humphrey!  Then, in November I won two Twitter awards, which I am incredibly proud of.

I also cried a lot, more than I have done since I lost my father to cancer.  I cried through sheer self-pity, pain, frustration, anger and loss. Coming to terms with a disability is one of the hardest battles I have ever had to face. I am still dealing with it, every time I look at my feet in the bath I imagine how they will look with their scars and shorter big toes ( first operation is 25th January *shudder*) .  I love my feet!  Always so proud of them, with their elegantly sloping toes and dainty nails.  I think I will have them tattooed with flowers when the surgeon has worked his magic, to cover the scars and make them pretty again : )

Not much else happened through the year, I had a couple of dates, annoyed some people, lost two cats, gained another who is my darling : ) 

Jasmine & Pickles

So, yup!  That’s just about it..

Here’s to 2011, may it be filled with knowledge, wonder, laughter, moustaches, love, excitement and joy!

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