Nadine’s Adventures in Makingitallupland #Dorries

[In this episode, the role of Alice will be played by Nadine Dorries]

There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever going to get to bed.

“Having given up claiming expenses, I’m blowed if I’ll pay £300 for an hotel!! I’d rather sleep in an car. London, get your act together!” said Alice. 

Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged alibi, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice’s first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted!

“Also found flat key under desk in office, so, no more hotels. #thingsarelookingup” said Alice (8 days later)

 alice-in-wonderland-01

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest London flat garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head though the doorway; (as her ego was SO massive) `and even if my head would go through,’ thought poor Alice, `it would be of very little use as I haven’t got a brain without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.’ For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the pub table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules or a police constable for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle of red on it, (`which certainly was not here before,’ said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME‘ beautifully printed on it in large letters.

It was all very well to say `Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do THAT in a hurry. `No, I’ll look first,’ she said, `and see whether it’s marked “poison” or not’; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by STALKERS wild beasts, and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not stop finding stuff out about Alice remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if your hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was NOT marked `poison,’ so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished herself off it off.

Image

With thanks and apologies to Lewis Carroll

Occasional Table sourced from Occasional Flat. Key of Convenience to Room of Sudden Alibi Requirement appears courtesy of Imaginationland Industries, a subsidiary of Averbrook & Avinalaugh

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2 Comments

  1. what a pile of shite. grow up and get a job.

    • Hello “Noreen”, three points to make:

      1. “pile of shite” – roses grow beautifully in piles of shite
      2. erm, no.
      3. I have 2 jobs and really work bloody hard thank you 🙂 How about checking your facts before you write? Sorry, my bad – I forgot who you were for a moment there 😉

      Byeeee


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