Plates of Meat – Part Five #Hardware

Ouch.. no flipping wonder my foot still hurts!  Had X-Rays and have been told off a bit today, I’m not allowed to walk without the crutches for another 6 weeks : *(   and I still have to wear the stupid boot.  On the bright side though, I can bathe again tomorrow *sniffs armpits*, think I got away with it though : )

 

 

Plates of Meat.. Part 3 (warning, contains grossness)

After frantically cleaning everything in the house, whether it moved or not, I went to bed early and fell straight to sleep. Aided by sleeping meds I managed to sleep all night without nightmares of the surgeon taking my whole foot off or operating on the dog instead. I woke up and went on auto-pilot waiting for my sister to collect me.  Kissing the kids goodbye whilst they were still tucked up in bed was unusual, they are normally up and about, shouting and destroying the kitchen while I stay hiding in bed waiting for the house to sigh with relief as they depart for school with a final bang of the front door.

It was still Dark O’Clock when we arrived at the *private Spire hospital, Harpenden and “checked in”.  We felt like we were going on holiday as a porter took us to our room and arranged for tea and a newspaper to be brought to us.  Private hospital’s have carpet rather than smooth, shiny floors and so smell of carpet cleaner instead of toilets.  They also have free tea and coffee, soft loo roll, garden views from the windows and an air of relaxation.  It was hard to feel anxious in such a lovely place : )

My "room"

Hospital wouldn’t be hospital without a bustling Irish woman though, ours was Mary.  She clucked around me taking my blood pressure and measuring me for a massive pressure stocking, might keep that for next Christmas 😉  I mentioned my sore neck to her and before I knew it she had arranged for me to be taken down for anesthesia first as she didn’t want me sitting around being uncomfortable all day 🙂

I’ll be honest, this is the part that I had managed to completely blank from my consciousness during the ten month’s while I waited for the operation.  I had been worried and frightened by what comes after but had never dared imagine the actual operation itself. Just as well really, horrific is the word that springs to mind.

I nearly jumped for joy when my anethestist came for me, it was Sarah, the nurse I had seen twice before at Dr Bramall’s clinic.  Relief swept over me at the sight of her familiar, friendly face and any anxiety that had built up since arriving disappeared in a heart-beat. She took me down the corridor,  with me wearing not much more than a smile and my new “grumpy but gorgeous” robe and set about numbing my foot.

Sexy Stocking...

OMFG.

I don’t know what I had expected, as I said, I hadn’t given it much thought at all but AGHHHHHHHHHHH blimey the pain!  I think in all I had 15 injections in my ankle before it finally went numb enough for surgery.  I am good with pain though and tolerate it well so concentrated on my breathing like a good girl and imagined the tweets I would be sending had I been allowed my phone with me.  The woman in the next bed to me wasn’t nearly as brave as Humph though, screaming and flailing about like a man big sissy.  I heard that she didn’t cope at all well with the surgery either, surely a sedative of some sort would help patients in these circumstances?

Once properly numb I was wheeled into what looked like the “TV Room” on Willy Wonker, all white with massive lights on arms like the ones dentist’s have.  To my immense relief a screen was put up so that I could not see what was happening to my foot. I know it was washed with iodine though and put through layers of cloth, leaving just my foot sticking out, propped up with a pillow underneath.  It was then tourniqueted to within an inch of it’s life and several green-clad people arrived.  Were I of a nervous disposition I would have been blubbing by now, there was no distraction other than a magazine which was pushed into my hand.  Sorry but while having my foot sliced open I found the private lives of the disaster who goes by the name of Kerry Kantona only slightly less nauseating than the thoughts I was trying so desperately to blot out.

The nurses were milling about and one even took orders for lunch whilst discussing how straight and perfect my toes were, the deep , plummy voice of Dr Bramall said “straight but stiff”.  Then I could hear bone breaking and realised it was mine. The sound of a drill vibrating on bone, mine.  The only way I could cope was by mentally picturing the faces of my loved ones and trying to remember the lyrics of a beautiful song I saw tweeted a couple of weeks ago. Over and over I repeated them until after an hour I know the song by heart and the surgery was finally over.

"Phew"

Dr Bramall pulled down the drapes and showed me how to exercise my toe, I was fixated by it’s waxy, corpse-like yellowness. There is a long incision from the first toe joint right down to my heel, I think it will look lovely with flowers tattooed along it : )  A load of notes were plonked on my tummy and I was wheeled back to my room to re-join my sister (sleeping like Goldilocks in my bed, cheeky mare)  Sandwiches and tea promptly arrived via the clucking Mary who took my blood pressure again and called me her Pet : )

Then rest… two hours later, after the physiotherapist has shown me how Dr Bramall wants me to walk with the crutches we set off home, being wheeled expertly to the entrance by another lovely porter. Home at last but can I get in?  I have two steps up to my front door and then a raised plastic door frame to negotiate, Mum and sister end up half-carrying me in!

Tune in next time to find out just how much of a numpty Ms Cushion really is…..

* Just in case a certain MP leaps on the fact this was a private hospital, whilst the hospital is private, the operation itself was via the NHS

Plates of Meat – Part Two

Got my head together now, the shopping is done, house clean and tidy, lists written.. the only thing I havent done is the ironing which can go f**k itself frankly 😀

I am now back at the stage where the operation itself doesn’t faze me in the slightest, it will be like a long dentist visit, I am still wrestling a little with the recovery though. This is for two reasons.. one is just good old-fashioned vanity, I have always had lovely feet, they are one of my best features. The Mothership made us wear Clark’s “Mary Jane’s” and so my toes are all in a perfect diagonal line.  By this time tomorrow my big toe will be the same height as it’s neighbour 😦   I know it’s silly but I really hate that although I will have to buy new, smaller shoes.. *perks up a bit*

The other reason is worry about my neck. I am to use crutches for 8 weeks. Although my feet hurt 24/7, most of the pain I suffer is in my neck, it cripples me. Any use of my arms or head sets off the pain.  Quite how I will cope with crutches is beyond me.  I spoke to my GP about it last week who is chasing up the physiotherapy I ve been waiting for since August.  He suggested I speak to the hospital tomorrow, which I will do. 

My lovely neighbour has offered to source a wheelchair so that she can take me out,  she is TINY, quite how she will cope with pushing me I don’t know! I have visions of her puffing and panting, beetroot red with effort and me ending up stranded until a big strapping man can be found to save me.. ooh, now there’s a thought ; )

I’ve taken some pics of my feet as they are now, I’ll probably blog from the hospital tomorrow and definitely take more photos as the weeks go on.  It will be a big help I think for others having the same operation.

Right, I’d better go sort that ironing out!  *searches for a big hole to drop it in*

TwitwatchUK – Week Three (24th Jan)

Welcome to this week’s TwitWatch UK..  as usual we have a load of old crap some great stories from the past week to share with you.

Weather-wise, it was reported that 2010 was the coldest UK winter on record,  whilst  being the 2nd warmest year Globally. Do you think someone has it in for us? Maybe it’s a conspiracy along the lines of “why can’t we ever win the Eurovision Song Contest” despite cheating our way into the final’s every year donating towards the contest costs?
 

Yay!  Top Gear came back!  Clarkson heroically had a helicopter land on the roof of a car he was driving.. it was like watching James Bond, only well, you know.. Clarkson is really scruffy, annoying and not in the least bit fanciable. APART from that.. it was awesome : ) Another Yay! Richard Hammond finally cut his hair, I think Mummy must have put her foot down although he is still wearing his 18-30s necklace..  Best of all though, they introduced a new Stig, who says women cant’ drive? ; )

A new comedy show was launched on TV this week with a live format.. The 10 O’Clock Show.. it was good but a bit like watching a Twitter stream that’s already three days old.

The best news of the week for me was that Ed Balls was finally appointed as Shadow Chancellor, sadly at the expense of Alan Johnson’s resignation but hey, the HOC will be a much livelier place from now on! Hopefully he is the man to kick Ed Miliband up the jacksy and we will see some proper opposition at last.

Andy Coulson also resigned this week so Twitter has de-twibboned from  “Sack Coulson”  and re-twibboned “Arrest Coulson” instead.. 

Mama Mia, here she goes again..  Meryl Streep was spotted at PMQs last week, swatting up for her imminent role as Margaret Thatcher in the film “The Iron Lady”. Humphrey just hopes it’s not a singing role, although “Money Money Money” would be rather appropriate.

Lastly and Ghastly.. my favourite tweeter stopped tweeting :*(   This post (sorry it’s crap) is dedicated to the much missed @Gaijinsan21, we hope you come back soon, Humphrey Twitter just isn’t the same without you x

Twit-Watch UK – 9/01/2011

Inspired by @Chislehurst, this is the first TwitWatch UK post.. if all goes to plan and you like them, I will make them weekly all year 🙂

Coalition raise VAT to 20% – Twitter plot’s to scupper the extra tax on biscuits by pledging to buy Jaffa Cakes instead of HobNobs..  mwa ha ha..  (I had trouble finding Jaffa Cakes today, they were sold out in a lot of stores #TwitterWin )

1st Anniversary of the day a man made a stupid joke  – A year ago this week, Paul Chambers sent the #TwitterJokeTrial tweet, which led to a conviction and him losing his job.  Paul (with the help of fantastico lawyer @JackOfKent aka David Allen Green) is taking the case to the High Court in a bid to clear his name.  To help Paul, please donate what you can to the Trial Fund or buy a fab T-Shirt or Mug 🙂

I Am Spartacus!

Kenneth Tong, You’re SO Wrong..  This week also brought us the joy that is Kenneth Tong, a man with the plan to make all women a size Zero. I have NEVER been a size Zero in my life, certainly not going to try it now.. pass the Jaffa cakes..

RIPs – Twitter mourned the loss of Gerry Rafferty and Pete Posselthwaite this week and for an hour or so, that of Gabrielle Giffords, the US Senator who was critically injured (first thought of as dead) in a horrific shooting for which the Tea Party are seemingly responsible.. if only indirectly, which left 6 people including a nine-year old girl, dead.

Expenses Scandal MP Jailed –  On Friday, Labour MP  David Chaytor was rightfully imprisoned for 18 months over his £20,000 expenses fraud. This news was somewhat overshadowed by sordid revelations by my MP!

Hashtaggery – A silly hashtag #LameToFame gave us all a laugh this week, my contribution was the fact I have a pair of Johnny Vaughn’s discarded long-john’s.. long  john’s/long story.. !

Jaffa Cakes – In support of the splendid Jaffa Cake and inspired by last week’s TV special #StarGazing presented by Professor Brian Cox, Humph revives the wonderful “Eclipse” advert…

Full Moon...

 

Half Moon....

 

Total Eclipse !!

Merry Christmas Twitter : )

Sorry I can’t say Merry Christmas to you all individually, you know I would if I could!  Here’s the Christmas cards I made for you, hope you like them : ) Have a great day, love Humph xx

Serious one first..

And a bit of silliness… well, what else did you expect from me? ; )

The Hair-Mare Before Christmas..

That’s it, snuggle up and I’ll tell you a story all about a very silly girl named Humphrey…

*Why* do we do it? Or is it just me?  Is it my mistrust and hatred of hairdressers, my arrogant belief in my own abilities, being totally skint or just plain stupidity that guided my hand to the DIY hair colour kit?   I have been here before of course, show me a woman who hasn’t totally ruined her hair/dating opportunities/life and I will show you a woman who doesn’t like chocolate nor secretly wish Michael Buble is singing “just havent met you yet” to her… yeah, that’s right – she doesn’t exist.

Why is it always at an important time?  No way I could ruin my hair just before..erm.. nothing at all !  It is ALWAYS just before a wedding/re-union/Christmas-New Year or the meeting of the-most-splendid-man-in the-world-ever for the first time.

I really don’t enjoy the hairdressers though I know we are “supposed” to.. It may just be me but I *always* wash and style my hair before I enter the coven, full make-up on and usually a nice top.. its ridiculous but I have a theory that if I go in looking a mess, I will come out looking a mess..  I hate the basins which make your neck go numb, the assistant who washes your hair without seeming to make contact with it at all (yet you still feel obliged to tip her, aghh) and the coffee which always smells divine but you can’t quite reach it.. and if you do, it will be full of little bits of your chopped locks.

The other thing I really hate about the hairdressers is that they cannot read my mind.. grrrr..  Of course I want to look like Meg Ryan, Drew Barrymore or Jennifer Aniston when I leave, why cant they just work that out/do it and WHY can’t I just tell them what *I* want? “Do whatever YOU think”.. “What would suit me?”, “Really? Pink streaks and a perm?  Well, if you say so.. ”

So anyway, this year’s disaster was prompted by my 16-year-old declaring loudly in Tesco’s that I look really old now as my hair is so grey under the lights.. After checking the bank I realised that spending anything up to 80 quid on my hair this side of Christmas was not only incredibly selfish but nigh-on impossible.  Yes, you heard me 80 QUID!!  You fella’s get off lightly with your £6 “Shave-It-All-Off-I’m-Going-Bald-Anyway” look. I digress.. over the past few weeks I have put streaks of 3 different colours into said horrid daughter’s hair and they looked lovely.. really subtle, professional even, so what could go wrong?  I *am* WOMAN!… 

I *am* NUMPTY…  first attempt left me with caramel and peach streaks.. although I was really proud of the streaks themselves, not easy to put foils in yourself!  *waits for applause*  So, onto stage 2/3/4 & 5… finally I am left with caramel and primrose yellow.. and that’s how they will stay* until I either come into money, shave it all off or wake up and it’s all been a terrible dream…

*Disclaimer:  I did save** a little of the last box of highlights “just in case”

** Stop me FFS

All that Twitters is Gold….

Someone take the hanger out of my mouth, I haven’t stopped grinning since last night’s Golden Twits awards show.  I am SO proud of my two awards, Pictures and Private Individual, which were both voted for by YOU LOT, which means far more to me than if I had won a “voted for by Judges” one. 

I’d thought on Monday that I may have won something as the hosts emailed me to confirm they would “really, really like it” if I could go along. So then I had a real dilemma as to whether to attend or not.  The journey to London alone was daunting, without the thought of sitting through the show itself.  So, after badgering the lovely hosts into promising to look after me properly, I bought my ticket : )  

What to wear?? Do I go as “Humphrey”, “Ms Cushion” or plain old me?  I picked a bit of everything in the end!

Although I had dreaded the journey, I thoroughly enjoyed driving through the London streets, passing all my old haunts of yesteryear.  I used to work in the “Old Smoke” and had forgotten my absolute love for the place.  I also got to see my first “Barclay’s bike” !

Met by the lovely @Feisty_Onion and @Jaloopa23, we went in and down the stairs to the basement of Bar 1920, Great Sutton St.  The bar is long and narrow,with seating mostly around the walls.  There isn’t a stage as such so the organisers had set up a screen with a microphone in front, at the far end of the room.  I read some of your tweets but pity the poor, poor comedian a little.. not only did he have an audience made up of US.. Tweeters who are lucky enough to read the most up-to-date, side-splitting and tea-spitting-out jokes on Twitter every day but he was also battling with no stage and the audience spread over a long, noisy space. (I do think he was a little mis-cast though as his material depended heavily on finding drug abuse and Canadians funny.. )

Some men were evicted from their seats next to the “stage” so that I didn’t have to move far to make a pratt of myself accept the awards – I know I said recently “nobody puts Humph in the corner” but I was really grateful to be put, although it stopped me socializing 😦   I was hoping to have a chat with fellow “public” winner @Konnolsky’s erm, “representative”, who was suspiciously Konnolsky-like but his secret is safe with me..  best offer for his pic? ; )

A live stream was set up, if  it was recorded and be available for me to link to I ‘ll do so but it hasn’t appeared anywhere yet.  Probably just as well as I think my first “140 character acceptance speech” went down fairly well (although only a handful of people in the bar “got it”, I read out the #TwitterJokeTrial tweet – what a rebel!) but my second was disastrous.. I hadn’t banked on winning twice!  I waffled on about thanking my manager, hairdresser, costume designer, photographer etc.. but as nobody really had a clue who I am or what I “do”, it went down even worse than the first one! 

Until the footage is available, this is a pretty good version of how I looked whilst accepting my award ; )   (ht @dickmandrake )

Part of my “award” is that I am now a BRAT (British Academy of Twits)…  which means that I get to vote as a Judge next year : ) Maybe I can add B.R.A.T after my name as Doctor’s do?  Its funny, my dear old Dad often called me a brat and a twit, I expect he is looking down laughing now in the knowledge that his prophecy was fulfilled  ; )

I hope that I can also have some input into the event itself next year as I think it would have been much improved by a larger audience and more information about each nominee or winner.  Most of the awards were to business people, not “ordinary” tweeters like me and @Konnolsky and I suspect that the £23 ticket price put a lot of tweeters off of attending.  I’m not complaining though, we were well looked after and given free drinks tokens (even though I was on the coke!)

My Drinkies..

 

Not my drinkies..

 ( Spot the Knob)

Although I crawled along for an extra hour on the M1 on the way home that should have been spent in bed and I’m in pain today, all things considered I’m glad I went –  I’ve never won anything before in my life and didn’t have @DianaInHeaven’s excuse not to attend.. .  I got to laugh a few lovely hours away with my favourite root vegetable (@Feisty_Onion) and I have my awards and a big goofy smile. Thank you SO much Twitter, you made an old bag very happy 😀

For full details of the awards and winners, visit the Golden Twits website : )

How was it for you… ?

Derby was bloody marvellous…!  Wish you could have all come but space was a little bit limited.. maybe next time, Wembley Stadium?

The trip started off with me collecting @Feisty_Onion from the station, getting rather lost through us talking so much and so arriving a hour late to be embraced by the most welcoming hotel and people ever..

Onion & Humph

 

We had a little rest (my feet were killing me from the drive) and then joined @ADMaclennan, @IainMonty and @lesleyalmost at the bar.    Soon we were joined by Mr & Mrs @Ivan_Jelical, she was so brave to come having never spoken to any of us before!  Finally we spotted @SteDoubleu lurking at the bar.. we were all there : )  Dinner and drinkies followed, the beer of choice ran out  *cough* although the kitty did not. 

Kitty!

Stephen, Lesley, Onion & Iain

We were asked by the very patient staff if we could clear off as it was past their bed-time so reluctantly stomped off to bed, re-grouping for breakfast and lunch where we were joined by the fabulously funny @MartinB1884 😀

Jane, Iain, Lesley and Neill (Ivan)

 

PIE !!!!

 

Martin & Andy

As I suspected, it felt as though we had known each other for years, there was never a dull moment.. we laughed, we drank a “little”, we hugged and had a marvellous time..  Roll on Xmas, we’re headed towards the Big Smoke for that one though : )

I’ve asked all the attendees to sum the event up for me in 140 characters.. you ve heard mine so here are their views of #Derby:

@ADMaclennan  A strange but great occasion, meeting for the first time people who were somehow already good friends. They were equally nice in person.

@lesleyalmost Derby? A surprise and no surprise at all. Seeing faces not avatars. Speaking and not typing, voices, laughter and fun. Warmth and smiles.

@SteDoubleu  Brill night out with some *real* characters. Discovered that “Tayto’s” isn’t slang for boobs but is in fact a brand of potato crisps

@Feisty_Onion  8 Twitter friends but real-life strangers met in Derby. They drank the inn dry, kept the waiters up and laughed like loons.

@Ivan_Jelical  Make the weekend fly by, meet 8 twitter friends for the 1st time in a pub, add booze & let the fun begin. Just so sad to leave though.

@IainMonty  Magic weekend with fantastic people who are proper friends. Laughs, eats and conversations that are just as good in *real* life as in tweets

I LOVE this one from @MartinB1884  Sunday dinner with drinks, laughs, serious discussion and doppelgänger spotting. This wasn’t 140 characters- this was 7 lovely characters.

Onion & Andy

Reunions V Tweet-Ups..

Someone asked me recently, “what the blue-blazes ‘s is a tweet-up”?  That in response to me inviting him along to one that just happens to be today.  I don’t remember where I first heard the word, I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it up…that said, “twandoori” was almost certainly one of mine and Linda’s, “twiends” and “twart” were both born from my lips. 

A “tweet-up” is a meeting in “Real Life” of fellow tweeters. Now, why on earth would you want to meet in “Real Life” people you have met on the internet? Isnt that a bit odd? To socialize with people you have never spoken to?  But you may not even know their real names!  What do they look like in “real life”?  What if they are weirdo’s..? I am hoping they are to be honest, we ll get on like a house on fire!  Like finds like..  There is a saying which I wholeheartedly agree with..”Facebook is for the friends you were at school with, Twitter is for the friends you WISH you had been at school with”.. that is SO true. 

What School Rules?

 

I have twice copped out of going to school re-unions lately, using any excuse not to go, not just to others but to myself as well. I am so fat, I can’t face them seeing me like this, I can’t get a baby-sitter, I have a headache, I have nothing to wear.. mind you, IF I ever do attend one, I ll go in full school uniform, complete with stolen achievement badges  ; )  The truth is, I don’t want to go to school re-unions as the only thing we have in common is that we shared agonising years of tedious lessons, freezing our nuts off in huts and bunking off in the loo’s. I have my old “friends” on Facebook and enjoy looking at their photos and seeing how their lives have panned out. That is it though, my curiosity for anything further is a big, fat Zero %.

Today’s tweet-up has been planned for over a month and I have not  even once considered not going, despite the fact it’s a long journey for me to make and I am sharing a room with an Onion ; )  In truth, not all but most of the people attending are closer to me than members of my own family and “real life” friends. They have been my rock’s over the past month especially and I can’t wait to meet them and give them big “real-life”  ((((hugs)))) !

I am sure there will be photos taken and posted, I will update or follow-up this blog with how it went.  Now, I must shower and get my bag ready, my one and only concern is which costume to pack ; )

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