The Strong hArm Of The Law… #Dorries

On the 12 of July 2010  Nadine Dorries wrote to Gillian Parker (then Chief Constable of Bedfordshire Police), complaining about “a huge volume of internet attack” and asking for help.  The “attack” amounted to tweets & blog posts that she declared had been going on ” for a number of years by three individuals”, one of whom she stated as being me. 

I first heard of Nadine Dorries when I moved into her Mid Beds constituency during August 2009.  I opened my first twitter account in December 2009 and made my first tweet about Nadine just before the May 2010 election.  During May 2010 I wrote 9 blog posts in total,  5 of which were about  Nadine Dorries following the now infamous “Flitwick Hustings” and general election.

http://mshumphreycushion.blogspot.com/2010/05/twitterarmy-triumphs-dorries-fails-to.html    23rd May 2010

http://mshumphreycushion.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-05-23T12%3A24%3A00%2B01%3A00&max-results=7  18th May 2010  (this is the letter Nadine sent to all  new MPs, trying to garner support for unseating John Bercow as Speaker, in which she includes her mobile phone number*)

http://mshumphreycushion.blogspot.com/2010/05/labour-of-love-nadine-bargery-dorries.html  Link to more video footage of the Flitwick Hustings. 9th May 2010

http://mshumphreycushion.blogspot.com/2010/05/its-fliiiitttick.html  6th May 2010  Fliiiitwick Hustings.

http://mshumphreycushion.blogspot.com/p/letters-to-beds-on-sunday-they-did-not.html  May 2010. Letters about Flitwick Hustings, unprinted by Beds On Sunday.  

Of my 5 posts in June, none include Dorries. Of my 8 posts in July, not one is about Nadine Dorries. I wrote 7 posts during August,  none about Dorries.  In September I wrote one in support of Tim Ireland which brought the wrath of Nadine upon my head. During the whole of September I wrote 9 blog posts, 3 (inc the T.Ireland one) were about Nadine Dorries.  Wow I was busy in October, writing 19 posts..  7 were on Dorries.  In November, out of 11 posts, one was about Nadine.  December 10 blogs, none about Nadine.  January 2011 14 posts, one in regard to Nadine  (This post is more about Mrs Butler and her treatment by the press, Mrs Butler being the woman who’s husband left her for Nadine and who has subsequently left Nadine… ) . 

11 posts in February, 0 on Dorries. 3 in March (started new job so too busy to blog!) 1 in April, 2011.  Since then I havent had the time  nor computer access to blog sadly and I miss it!

Sorry if all that was a tad dull, best to lay down the facts methinks (something Nadine Dorries could take on board tbh).  Right, so on with the story;

21st October 2010 after a *lot*of flack regarding her 70/30/100% fiction blog relevations (after John Lyon found her guilty of lying on her blog but insufficient evidence (he should read this) to find her guilty of fraud) she said on local TV that she had reported FOUR stalkers to the police… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUj9suBKYaA#t=3m22s 

That is FOUR stalkers now, not the three in her July letter to Gillian Parker. In November 2010, 3 months after declaring she had already done so, (and following many calls to provide proof of doing so) she finally officially reported her “four stalkers” to the police as Tim Ireland will reveal in full detail shortly. (Interesting to see how long it took the police to investigate, they must have taken her allegations *so* seriously)

Right, where were we?  Oh yes, Bedfordshire Police..  I have always had tremendous respect for the police and indeed wanted to join the force when I left school.  My height was a bit of an issue though and my Dad threatened to disinherit me if I did, so I entered the retail sector instead.  I lost my respect for the police on the night of my foot operation.

In bed, in tremendous pain that night, having been through what I can only describe as a horrific ordeal, two police officers stormed into my bedroom.  They had ordered my frightened children to let them in and asked where I was.  They then attempted to force me to accompany them for a recorded “voluntary interview under caution”. I refused. They threatened to arrest me if I didnt go.  Again I refused, showed them my surgeon’s letter stating that I was to remain in bed for a minimum of 3 days and they left, informing me they would be in touch.  Shaking and crying I phoned my friend David (@Gaijinsan21 – no linking to his account as he has sadly left twitter) who is a criminal lawyer. 

Over the next two days I learned from David that there was absolutely no justification for calling me for an interview under caution.  No justification for recording it and no justification for treating me in such a fashion. With David’s help I sent a series of emails to the police officer in charge, challenging him on this and eventually he admitted that I was merely a witness to an alleged offence.  He settled for a written (emailed) statement from me detailing how, when, where and why I was in contact with Tim Ireland and how it came about that Tim was in Fliiitttwick for the hustings.

He was there at my invitation.  Mine and several other constituents (whom I shall not name here) who were fed up to the back teeth of Nadine’s lies and unaccountability and had been emailing and tweeting each other with ideas of how to record her in action so to speak.  Several days before the hustings I watched a live stream of another hustings event at Goldaming, put online by Tim.  Although the quality was awful it made me think maybe we should do the same with the Flitwick event and so I put the wheels in motion, asking the Chair for her permission etc and twisted Tim’s arm into making the journey.

Tim arrived in Flitwick, not “loaded down with sophisticated camera and recording equipment”  but holding merely a briefcase, I was shocked at how small his equipment was tbh *disappointed face*  😉

To sum up:  Yes I blogged about Nadine Dorries. Yes I tweeted about Nadine Dorries. No, I didnt break the law. No, I didnt lie about her.  Can she say the same about me?

BTW, this made me laugh today.. (Nadine Dorries the Bully, on Bullying)

Camera-shy, Why… ? #thereslifeintheolddogyet

I used to be ticklish until one day when I was around 10 I decided not to be any more.  I used to smoke, similarly one day I decided not to be a smoker.  The same goes for being camera-shy. Having a long-held belief that I had an enormous nose/stomach/bottom and frizzy hair, (mostly true as it goes)  I would always hide when a lens was pointed my way.  So it happened that one day last year I decided not to be camera-shy.

I vaguely remember why,  I had recently escaped from an unhappy relationship and had absolutely ZERO confidence.  Then a date was cancelled that I had been really excited about, “it’s not you, it’s me, I’m not ready, bla bla bla”.. I felt old and unwanted.  A school re-union was looming so one day I pulled myself together, got my hair coloured and de-frizzed, put on make-up and took some photos for Facebook. Actually, I took about 20 photos for Facebook, settling on two that didn’t make me want to shoot myself. Actually, for the first time in years I looked quite nice : )

THAT was the answer.. take LOTs of pictures!  I was talking to the Mothership yesterday about this, she saw my Sally Bercow pic and for once gave me a compliment.  She “never takes a good photo”, so I told her to practice.  Take an hour out, get a digital camera and have plenty of spare batteries to hand.  Take a pic, look at it.. see what is wrong and take another and another and so on until you have about 50.  I’ll bet you can find at least 5 that you like, the more you practice the more you will grow in confidence and will quickly learn how to hold your head and smile when a camera is unexpectedly poked in your face. 

Eeeeek!

Go on, go for it!  Why are we so hung up with this? We even think it’s vain to look in mirrors. I would NEVER look in the mirror in public, least some other woman thinks I am being vain, its a ridiculous hang-up to have.  Now I have finally started to grow up I am thinking “fuck-it” more often and am throwing off my hang-ups like discarded clothes. I am becoming more vocal too, as I demonstrated on Twitter yesterday by having a rather heated row!  ( The Mothership is also speaking her mind more and more, actually she is getting downright rude to some people.. hurray! Cool granny! )

One day I want to be a cool granny, I intend wearing my hair too long, my neckline too low and my heels to high. I will wear hats and carry ducklings and kittens around in a basket. I will smoke a pipe and drink whiskey! Well, maybe not.. but I sure wont be a dull old lady smelling of lavender, knitting shreddies, that’s for sure!

I wasnt sure how I would feel about being 40, it always seemed such a “grown-up” age.  I saw a tweet this week which went along the lines “I can’t imagine over 40’s having sex, eew, just eew”.. Erm, what???  I have never felt as confident in myself as I do now at 40, I just need a fella to practice on!

I have sat in an armchair for the best part of the last year, now my surgery is over (for now) I am impatient to fly, I want to grab life by the hair and drag it screaming behind me as I skinny-dip my way through the rest of my life!  So bring it on.. for my next hang-up challenge I shall dance! 

Now you, go get that camera and send me the pics : )

Shake that thang..!

TwitWatchUK – Week 5 – Oil Baron’s, Trees and “Oh Sheeeet”‘s

Another week already, who would’ve thunk?

This week has been mostly overshadowed with the unrest in Egypt. Despite the “Day of Departure” demonstration, the ruling President Murbarak still maintains his position, some people just can’t take a hint can they.. ?

In other news, the Conservative’s have cleverly solved the war over NHS reforms by smoking us out with library closures and  forest-selling.  The forest-selling off really won’t affect us though as they already have it under control..

 

They took all the trees
And put them in a tree museum
And they charged all the people
A dollar and a half to see ’em

Available for sale for just £21.80 (I kid you not)

 

Da da da da da da da da da da… doesn’t sound the same without the music does it?

In TV news this week the delightfully sweary grandma from Gavin and Stacey, Margaret John passed away *sad face* 84 year old Margaret said in 2010 “I get hugged by women and kissed by men in supermarkets. It’s lovely!”  “It’s great to be a sex goddess at my age!”   But *happy face* it was announced that the hit 80’s Dallas, last aired in 1991 would be returning to our screens..YAY! But how will they bring it back? Ms Cushion would love it to return via another Patrick Duffy/aka Bobby Ewing “it was all just a dream” shower scene..

Speaker John Bercow’s wife Sally caused a right rumpus again this week, this time posing in just a bedsheet for a Valentine’s newspaper special.  While I think she was probably a bit daft to pose as she did, let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that… doesn’t mean that we can’t take the mick mercilessly though does it ; )

TwitwatchUK – Week Three (24th Jan)

Welcome to this week’s TwitWatch UK..  as usual we have a load of old crap some great stories from the past week to share with you.

Weather-wise, it was reported that 2010 was the coldest UK winter on record,  whilst  being the 2nd warmest year Globally. Do you think someone has it in for us? Maybe it’s a conspiracy along the lines of “why can’t we ever win the Eurovision Song Contest” despite cheating our way into the final’s every year donating towards the contest costs?
 

Yay!  Top Gear came back!  Clarkson heroically had a helicopter land on the roof of a car he was driving.. it was like watching James Bond, only well, you know.. Clarkson is really scruffy, annoying and not in the least bit fanciable. APART from that.. it was awesome : ) Another Yay! Richard Hammond finally cut his hair, I think Mummy must have put her foot down although he is still wearing his 18-30s necklace..  Best of all though, they introduced a new Stig, who says women cant’ drive? ; )

A new comedy show was launched on TV this week with a live format.. The 10 O’Clock Show.. it was good but a bit like watching a Twitter stream that’s already three days old.

The best news of the week for me was that Ed Balls was finally appointed as Shadow Chancellor, sadly at the expense of Alan Johnson’s resignation but hey, the HOC will be a much livelier place from now on! Hopefully he is the man to kick Ed Miliband up the jacksy and we will see some proper opposition at last.

Andy Coulson also resigned this week so Twitter has de-twibboned from  “Sack Coulson”  and re-twibboned “Arrest Coulson” instead.. 

Mama Mia, here she goes again..  Meryl Streep was spotted at PMQs last week, swatting up for her imminent role as Margaret Thatcher in the film “The Iron Lady”. Humphrey just hopes it’s not a singing role, although “Money Money Money” would be rather appropriate.

Lastly and Ghastly.. my favourite tweeter stopped tweeting :*(   This post (sorry it’s crap) is dedicated to the much missed @Gaijinsan21, we hope you come back soon, Humphrey Twitter just isn’t the same without you x

Big following comes with much responsibility.. #ff

Friday is yet again upon us, my how the week has flown!  Yet again Twitter is abuzz with the latest scandal, today it is the resignation of Andy Coulson (hurrah!) and the inevitable #ff ‘s – Follow Friday’s. Today I feel compelled again to write about #ff’s and warn you about the consequences of getting what you wish for..

If you are on Twitter to plug a blog or raise an issue, great..but if you are there to escape from “real life” for a while, have a bit of fun, chat with friends and play hashtag games then why look for more followers?

Follow Friday is lovely, it’s a way of sharing your thoughts about other’s with your own followers, paying tribute if you like.. To be “ff’d” not only sounds really smutty 😉  but also feels really good.  It doesn’t always lead to more followers though, bizarrely many people lose followers on a Friday.  Unfollowing often causes hurt and bewilderment, you think it’s personal, often it isn’t. My advice is DONT check with the likes of “www.whichbastardunfollowedme.paranoid”  Definitely never  EVER tweet the result, “shaming” the unfollowee…!  Remember that following more than 300 people is REALLY hard, sometimes people just fancy a change or struggle to keep up.  That’s why I put people in lists, so I can follow the lists rather than everyone all at once in some kind of Amazonial Twitter stream.

Once upon a time there was a girl called Humphrey who would say good morning to Twitter every day, often scattering toast or fairy dust around.. She would wish everyone a good night and sometimes invite Twitter #inbedwithHumph.. her days were spent laughing and playing with a bit of flirting dropped in..

Nowadays I am too overwhelmed by replies and scared of repercussions to “play Humph” like I used to. I’ve written before about the so-called “Twitterati”, it was back in August, following my birthday.  I had around 1000 followers at the time I think and it was “pre-Dorries-law” days.  Throughout the day I was inundated by birthday greetings, which was both lovely and shocking. It opened my eyes a little to what the “Twitterati” face every time they tweet…

Now at almost 2000 followers, I sometimes find myself hesitating before making a tweet for fear of a big response.. I still want to answer everyone who tweets me, I find it rude not to and I really enjoy having conversations.  However, I haven’t always the time it takes to do so and often get really abusive replies, particularly if I have tweeted on a political issue.  (I am also excruciatingly aware of how many tweets I stack up in a single day, although they are mostly replies)

More than once I have considered deleting my account over the past few months, I have even started a new one in order to rant a little without fear of reprisals.  These days I tend to just tweet about disability issues with the odd moan about the telly or politicians thrown in.  But by deleting my account I would lose the little influence I have built up and I truly believe I use it for good and want to continue to do so.  I love my followers, I am really proud of the “work” I do on Twitter and this blog and would hate for that to go to waste.

Thanks to my lovely noisy neighbours, I now have a borrowed computer so have Tweetdeck back.  Tweeting is SO much easier with it!  What do you mean, you don’t use it?  You MUST! It is FANTASTIC !  It has come just at the right time for me, with my first foot operation being next Tuesday..*gulp* There is a long recovery and I expect to spend most of my waking hours stuck in a chair in front of the computer with my foot elevated. I can blog, read, watch TV and listen to the radio but hope I get my Twitter “mojo” back and spend time laughing and playing on Tweetdeck again.  I don’t know if “Humphrey” will properly return though, she seems to have lost her flirting ability lately 😦 #whatswrongwithHumph #thinkshesinlove

“Entonces” as they say in Spain.. like the Mugwai..with big following comes much responsibility, or in other words.. be careful what you wish for!

Twit-Watch UK Week 2, 17th January 2011 #twitwatchuk #Clegg #Miracles #PMQs

First up Nick Clegg who has copped on that he has effectively pissed off isolated a great deal of his GE2010 voters so in response to this obvious-to-everyone-else bolt from the blue has responded by re-naming “The Great Ignored” – “Alarm-Clock Britain” . He is now the Alarm-Clock Britain’s champion!  Quite how he will convince them he is on-side is beyond me, his “no income tax for low earners”   has been completely wiped out by the rise in VAT, Twit-Watch UK shall watch his struggle with interest.

Ken Tong announces “it was all a dweam” a ‘la Bobby Ewing.. well kind of.. He gave an interview to reporter Johann Hari who pointed out to him the dangers of pushing “managed anorexia” onto thousands of teenage girls and that he might be hoisted up by his balls and hung sued for damages. Tong then pleaded with Hari not to publish the interview and declared it was all just a social media joke to see if people would react.. well Ken, we did react, mostly by swearing!

Two miracles seem worthy of report.. firstly Pope John Paul ii has reportedly cured a nun of Parkinson’s disease, from beyond the grave.. He is now being made a Saint, Humph wonder’s if perhaps the nun’s immune system kicked in and did it’s job, I’m sure medical scientists would love to examine her and perhaps help other sufferers but let’s all go with the miracle theory shall we.. #papalfail 

The second miracle is that Susan Hampshire is not actually dead as I previously wrote (thanks @fulhammatty for pointing it out), but sadly Susannah York IS dead.. so RIP and thanks for all the films : ) 

PMQs was a disappointment with David Cameron resorting to insults rather than making any attempt to answer the questions put to him. He ended by calling Ed Miliband “The Nothing Man”.. which put me in mind of this wonderful clip from the movie Shrek.

If Miliband is “The Nothing Man”, surely Cameron with his welfare reforms which include taking DLA from care-home residents is the bullying and disablist Lord Farquaad..

Twit-Watch UK – 9/01/2011

Inspired by @Chislehurst, this is the first TwitWatch UK post.. if all goes to plan and you like them, I will make them weekly all year 🙂

Coalition raise VAT to 20% – Twitter plot’s to scupper the extra tax on biscuits by pledging to buy Jaffa Cakes instead of HobNobs..  mwa ha ha..  (I had trouble finding Jaffa Cakes today, they were sold out in a lot of stores #TwitterWin )

1st Anniversary of the day a man made a stupid joke  – A year ago this week, Paul Chambers sent the #TwitterJokeTrial tweet, which led to a conviction and him losing his job.  Paul (with the help of fantastico lawyer @JackOfKent aka David Allen Green) is taking the case to the High Court in a bid to clear his name.  To help Paul, please donate what you can to the Trial Fund or buy a fab T-Shirt or Mug 🙂

I Am Spartacus!

Kenneth Tong, You’re SO Wrong..  This week also brought us the joy that is Kenneth Tong, a man with the plan to make all women a size Zero. I have NEVER been a size Zero in my life, certainly not going to try it now.. pass the Jaffa cakes..

RIPs – Twitter mourned the loss of Gerry Rafferty and Pete Posselthwaite this week and for an hour or so, that of Gabrielle Giffords, the US Senator who was critically injured (first thought of as dead) in a horrific shooting for which the Tea Party are seemingly responsible.. if only indirectly, which left 6 people including a nine-year old girl, dead.

Expenses Scandal MP Jailed –  On Friday, Labour MP  David Chaytor was rightfully imprisoned for 18 months over his £20,000 expenses fraud. This news was somewhat overshadowed by sordid revelations by my MP!

Hashtaggery – A silly hashtag #LameToFame gave us all a laugh this week, my contribution was the fact I have a pair of Johnny Vaughn’s discarded long-john’s.. long  john’s/long story.. !

Jaffa Cakes – In support of the splendid Jaffa Cake and inspired by last week’s TV special #StarGazing presented by Professor Brian Cox, Humph revives the wonderful “Eclipse” advert…

Full Moon...

 

Half Moon....

 

Total Eclipse !!

2010 in a coconut-shell…

2010 was weird and wonderful in equal measure.  As I lost my mobility and personal freedom, I gained Twitter and blogging.  Twitter gave me company and self-esteem through a horrible year, I have even made real-life friends through it, “tweeting up” locally and in Derby. Blogging kept me sane and allowed me to explore writing styles and share my sense of humour in bigger doses than I could do on Twitter (sorry about that 🙂 ).

The Eurovision and World Cup gave me the best laughs of the year as I was inspired to make avatar pictures to represent each country. Eurovison night itself was a massive challenge as I had to change profile picture 25 times! 

Eurovision Avatars!

 

World Cup Avatars

 

Throughout the year I raised awareness for many different causes.  I got myself into a LOT of trouble with my local MP who “outed” my real name, much to my dismay. I really like being Humphrey!  Then, in November I won two Twitter awards, which I am incredibly proud of.

I also cried a lot, more than I have done since I lost my father to cancer.  I cried through sheer self-pity, pain, frustration, anger and loss. Coming to terms with a disability is one of the hardest battles I have ever had to face. I am still dealing with it, every time I look at my feet in the bath I imagine how they will look with their scars and shorter big toes ( first operation is 25th January *shudder*) .  I love my feet!  Always so proud of them, with their elegantly sloping toes and dainty nails.  I think I will have them tattooed with flowers when the surgeon has worked his magic, to cover the scars and make them pretty again : )

Not much else happened through the year, I had a couple of dates, annoyed some people, lost two cats, gained another who is my darling : ) 

Jasmine & Pickles

So, yup!  That’s just about it..

Here’s to 2011, may it be filled with knowledge, wonder, laughter, moustaches, love, excitement and joy!

Merry Christmas Twitter : )

Sorry I can’t say Merry Christmas to you all individually, you know I would if I could!  Here’s the Christmas cards I made for you, hope you like them : ) Have a great day, love Humph xx

Serious one first..

And a bit of silliness… well, what else did you expect from me? ; )

All that Twitters is Gold….

Someone take the hanger out of my mouth, I haven’t stopped grinning since last night’s Golden Twits awards show.  I am SO proud of my two awards, Pictures and Private Individual, which were both voted for by YOU LOT, which means far more to me than if I had won a “voted for by Judges” one. 

I’d thought on Monday that I may have won something as the hosts emailed me to confirm they would “really, really like it” if I could go along. So then I had a real dilemma as to whether to attend or not.  The journey to London alone was daunting, without the thought of sitting through the show itself.  So, after badgering the lovely hosts into promising to look after me properly, I bought my ticket : )  

What to wear?? Do I go as “Humphrey”, “Ms Cushion” or plain old me?  I picked a bit of everything in the end!

Although I had dreaded the journey, I thoroughly enjoyed driving through the London streets, passing all my old haunts of yesteryear.  I used to work in the “Old Smoke” and had forgotten my absolute love for the place.  I also got to see my first “Barclay’s bike” !

Met by the lovely @Feisty_Onion and @Jaloopa23, we went in and down the stairs to the basement of Bar 1920, Great Sutton St.  The bar is long and narrow,with seating mostly around the walls.  There isn’t a stage as such so the organisers had set up a screen with a microphone in front, at the far end of the room.  I read some of your tweets but pity the poor, poor comedian a little.. not only did he have an audience made up of US.. Tweeters who are lucky enough to read the most up-to-date, side-splitting and tea-spitting-out jokes on Twitter every day but he was also battling with no stage and the audience spread over a long, noisy space. (I do think he was a little mis-cast though as his material depended heavily on finding drug abuse and Canadians funny.. )

Some men were evicted from their seats next to the “stage” so that I didn’t have to move far to make a pratt of myself accept the awards – I know I said recently “nobody puts Humph in the corner” but I was really grateful to be put, although it stopped me socializing 😦   I was hoping to have a chat with fellow “public” winner @Konnolsky’s erm, “representative”, who was suspiciously Konnolsky-like but his secret is safe with me..  best offer for his pic? ; )

A live stream was set up, if  it was recorded and be available for me to link to I ‘ll do so but it hasn’t appeared anywhere yet.  Probably just as well as I think my first “140 character acceptance speech” went down fairly well (although only a handful of people in the bar “got it”, I read out the #TwitterJokeTrial tweet – what a rebel!) but my second was disastrous.. I hadn’t banked on winning twice!  I waffled on about thanking my manager, hairdresser, costume designer, photographer etc.. but as nobody really had a clue who I am or what I “do”, it went down even worse than the first one! 

Until the footage is available, this is a pretty good version of how I looked whilst accepting my award ; )   (ht @dickmandrake )

Part of my “award” is that I am now a BRAT (British Academy of Twits)…  which means that I get to vote as a Judge next year : ) Maybe I can add B.R.A.T after my name as Doctor’s do?  Its funny, my dear old Dad often called me a brat and a twit, I expect he is looking down laughing now in the knowledge that his prophecy was fulfilled  ; )

I hope that I can also have some input into the event itself next year as I think it would have been much improved by a larger audience and more information about each nominee or winner.  Most of the awards were to business people, not “ordinary” tweeters like me and @Konnolsky and I suspect that the £23 ticket price put a lot of tweeters off of attending.  I’m not complaining though, we were well looked after and given free drinks tokens (even though I was on the coke!)

My Drinkies..

 

Not my drinkies..

 ( Spot the Knob)

Although I crawled along for an extra hour on the M1 on the way home that should have been spent in bed and I’m in pain today, all things considered I’m glad I went –  I’ve never won anything before in my life and didn’t have @DianaInHeaven’s excuse not to attend.. .  I got to laugh a few lovely hours away with my favourite root vegetable (@Feisty_Onion) and I have my awards and a big goofy smile. Thank you SO much Twitter, you made an old bag very happy 😀

For full details of the awards and winners, visit the Golden Twits website : )