It’s all David Jason’s fault…

Strange title I admit..  Had a “delightful” conversation on Twitter this morning with @Obotheclown who certainly lives up to his name : )  We were “discussing” tax-evasion and the “undeserving poor”..  That phrase, “the undeserving poor” rang a bell with me but I couldn’t place it at the time, I ll come back to it in a bit.

Wayne & Waynetta Slob

My argument was that tax-evasion costs our country £15 BILLION  per year, whilst “benefit thieves” cost  just over £1 BILLION per year (source) .  George Osborne has announced measures to clamp down on these “thieves” , including a £50 fine if they are found to be claiming illegally.  I very much doubt that will have much impact, although if caught three times they will  cut the “thieves” benefits for 3 years as well.  Fantastic! *applause*, that’ll teach the blighter’s.. erm, to burgle, mug, rob.. ? And what will become of their children?  Send them into foster care as their parents can’t afford to feed and clothe them?  Not especially well thought out Mr Osborne.. no change there then.

In order to wheedle out these “no-good, thieving, low-lives”, they are firstly putting incapacity claimants through new tests in a project being piloted in Burnley and Aberdeen, due to be rolled out to the rest of the UK next April.  The aim is to get people who can work off the benefits and onto another benefit.. Job Seekers Allowance, which pays less.  The Work Capability Test which they will face is costly and has a history of mis-diagnosing the ability to work,  70% of appeals against negative decisions are upheld.

Which brings me to the point of this post (yes, there is one) .. who are worse? The “undeserving poor” or the “tax-evaders”?   According to my chum Obo, the “undeserving poor” are.. but I wonder, how did this myth originate?  I have a theory and I lay the blame squarely at the door of one Mr David Jason.. tax evasion is “cool”, to be admired, clap that man on the back…  “Del Boy” is a national hero!

Whilst Vicky Pollard and Wayne and Waynetta Slob are despised, ridiculed and much maligned on our TV’s, David Jason’s Pop Larkin is a cheeky, charming tax dodger with four TV’s and a Roll’s Royce.  Little Britain even showed their wheelchair user Andy as a benefit thief!   The only “undeserving poor” person portrayed on television that I could think of to refute this myth is the fantastic Stanley Holloway… what do you think?

Nadine Dorries “says Sorry”..

Taken from YouTube, with grateful thanks to “TheAslanOfNarnia”…

No, SHE writes fiction…

Hello Twitter, Humph calling..

I have been quiet on this whilst seeking advice and am now in the position to put a few things straight.  Various unfounded allegations were made against me on Sunday 10/10/2010 by Ms Nadine Dorries MP for Mid Bedfordshire (Source) 

I am not going to go into each allegation line by line at this time, many of them can be answered by using a little common sense, ie Statutory Sick Pay, Protection of Vulnerable Adults Act etc.

However, there are some allegations that I would like to clear up for myself, now. One of these is the implication that I put graphic photographs of myself on Word Ejaculation which is completely untrue, this is the photograph I displayed there:


**  And I added this Roaaar photo to my “Milfs” post:

Although there are graphic images and stories on Word Ejaculation, my tales were accompanied by non-graphic images and the content was less descriptive than the writings of  Jilly Cooper and Jackie Collins.

I am not now, nor have I ever been a selected candidate or organiser for the Labour party. Nor have I ever been inside the Houses of Commons, although I would love to go!

I DO consider myself disabled under the “Definition of ‘disability’ under the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA)”  (as do my doctors!) I am not now, nor have I ever been in receipt of any health related nor unemployment benefits.

I am awaiting two operations on my feet for arthritis. I have been waiting since March 2010 for the operation on my right foot and since August for my left foot.  At no time have I ever said nor suggested that these will be at the same time, although I have heard from several people who have had such treatment.

Thanks for your continued support, I lubs you all muchly x

 *        *       *      *       *        *        *       *      *       *         *        *      
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes..  Mark Twain 

Twitter gets the stories first, Twitter gets the stories right…  Ms Cushion


  ** Updated 13th October 2020

A Good Coalition…

Humph & Linda

What on earth is a Labour supporter doing socialising with a Liberal Democrat PPC??? What’s more, why do they look like friends?

Because they are. Brought together by a hustings meeting in May, speaking on Twitter, meeting again at tweet-ups and becoming firm friends.  Many nights have been spent bashing out policies, arguing points and laughing our heads off..  why shouldnt people with differing political views be friends?

I make no pretence whatsoever about the  total devestation disappointment I felt when Nick Clegg took his party to join the Conservatives in May 2010.  My blood ran cold, I cried, I shouted my protests at the television as I am sure many thousands of others did. For months I ranted on about it until finally acceptance grudgingly settled in.

Since then I have had many debates on Twitter with Lib Dems about the rights and wrongs (or rights and lefts) of the Coalition. Generally (not always) we seem to come to similar conclusions, the Liberal Democrats seem to have been hoodwinked into propping up some appalling policies in exchange for a handful of their manifesto promises. Frustratingly, many Lib Dem policies have not only gone out of the window but have been literally stamped on by Dave & Co.

So as we sit and chat, laugh and debate during our tweet ups, I often wonder how very different things would have been had it been up to Humph & Linda…

Pssst: Linda writes a great blog.. “Lindylooz Muze”

Please call me Humph…

Dear Twitter,

Some UNFOUNDED accusations have been made about me today and my real name has been exposed, I won’t link to them or respond at this time other than to say..

Please call me Humph…   I love my Twitter name as much as I hated the childhood nickname “Humphrey Cushion” , endowed on me when I was about eleven.  Although I VERY verbally disagreed with them at the time, now – with hindsight, I can see they had a good point!  Thankfully, I grew into my nose in time : )

Spot The Difference..

Much love, your Humph xx

To Tweet Or Not To Tweet, THAT Is The Question

That IS the question. There was a time when I would tweet anything and everything I was thinking about. Nowadays, conscious that I am being watched, I am being far more careful. I am still stacking up an incredible amount of tweets to my name (my bad) but these are mostly replies to people now. I reply to everyone. I hate being ignored when I tweet to someone so always do my best to answer, even the #knobs. Occasionally I will miss a reply, usually because I have had so many answers to a tweet Ive sent out that they get a bit lost in my Tweetdeck mentions… dont take it personally!
I love tweeting, its conversation to me. My average “twonversation” is probably 4 or 5 tweets long but some last – on and off, all day. Each take mere seconds *hard stare at a certain person* .
I love writing, being able to compress a paragraph into 140 characters ( less if you want it to be retweeted ) its like a sport. A test of writing ability and when I make the perfect tweet I feel as though I have really achieved something, yeah I know how sad that sounds!  Many years ago, more than I care to admit to.. I entered my first and only writing competition, it was for Woman’s Weekly (beat me on the bottom), a Fiction special and the challenge was to write a teeny tiny short story, in 60 words or less.  I loved it and knocked out 6 or so entries and sent them off. The next month I bought the magazine to see what sort of entries they had received. To my shock, I had made it into the mag, one of just five stories taken from thousands and I won the princely sum of £10!
I’d forgotten about that until today, laying sleeplessly in bed, mind recalling a conversation I had yesterday with a reporter, about what I will do when I lose my job. And lose my job I will. I am not going to get better, even after I finally have my feet repaired. I saw my GP on Tuesday as I was suffering from severe stress (quelle surprise *hard stare at two people* you know who you are, *thwack* ).  It is apparent that I have so much damage in my neck that I cannot possibly return to caring……….    But I CAN make home visits to the elderly and disabled in my village, which I am really looking forward to starting.  My little village is lovely, it’s a real community and we have band of volunteers (David Cameron will love this) who offer support and help to other villagers. Should you need a lift to the doctor or similar appointment, if you cant cut your own grass (me) , need taking to the shops and just want some companionship you simply have to pick up the phone… So, that will be my “day job”, volunteering to sit and chat with “real” people, instead of you lot.. Why don’t I do it now? I am not allowed to. There is a Social Services ruling that bans me from visiting my “service users”… horrible term, unless I am scheduled to be there.  It has been a long 5 months not being able to see them and I know they miss me as much as I miss them.
That wont pay the rent though so what to do? I will be pretty unemployable tbh and so I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and will try my hand at writing again. I think I’m pretty versatile and can write in a number of styles on any given topic.. (believe it or not I have even written some smutty things.. who knew?  Although on reflection, take them away from the Word Ejaculation website and they are only as racy as the works of Jilly Cooper and Jackie Collins, hardly what you would call “porn” Nadine!)  So, that’s my plan Batman.. thanks for listening, like you had a choice, right? ; )
Oh, almost forgot.. this is my winning story.. the first “tweet” I ever made, 16 years ago..
Labour of Love
“Puusssshh, Carol, you ‘re nearly there”
  “I can’t – can’t do any more.”
She was drenched in sweat and exhausted. She could hear voices urging her on and the sound of a heartbeat. Machines bleeped around her and pain was making her nauseous. One more push…… then, suddenly, a shout rang out! She’d done it – beaten the record on the step machine!

Boobie Wednesday.. for Heather x

This is not the post I was going to write today, I intended to (and started) a very silly one about Michael Gove being “Martini Man”.. (anytime, any place, anywhere..)   Twitter interrupted.  I slowly started to become aware of boobie avatars appearing.. male and female so I had a look at their hashtag #boobiewednesday..

Boobie Wednesday was started by “two crazy twitter chicks” in America just over a year ago. The idea of the hashtag is not to perve at women’s knockers but to create awareness about breast cancer and encourage women to perform a weekly examination. I lost my best friend to breast cancer, dont let the same thing happen to you. Spread the word..

Here are the 8 main things to look out for.. (men, I’m talking to you too – men also die of breast cancer, I kid you not)

A lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm that persists through the menstrual cycle.
A mass or lump, which may feel as small as a pea.
A change in the size, shape, or contour of the breast.
A blood-stained or clear fluid discharge from the nipple.
A change in the feel or appearance of the skin on the breast or nipple (dimpled, puckered, scaly, or inflamed).
Redness of the skin on the breast or nipple.
An area that is distinctly different from any other area on either breast.
A marble-like hardened area under the skin.

If you have a partner, why not make it a regular event you share together?  You never know where it may lead ; )

Boobie Wednesday Blog

Three O’Clock in the Morning….

And it looks like it’s gonna be another sleepless night..  This is the third night in a row I havent slept. I last had insomnia during the election and the agonising days after it while the nation awaited its fate. During that time myself and several others tweeted to each other via @tchee ‘s #1amclub . We passed the time sharing music, “passing drinks” and @tchee would  “hand round a plate of Ferrero Rocher”.  One night we danced on the bar and I even got @tim_mullen to dance with me : )

I digress.. the reason for my being awake in the not so small hours has a name, that name is Nadine Dorries.  Since her vicious comments seemingly aimed at me but taking a swipe at all disabled and unemployed, I have been filled with what I can only describe as poison. It makes me shake.  I can feel it in my blood, churning in my stomach, it is of course stress.  Stress has also tensed up my back and neck muscles leaving me in tremendous pain but also giving me headaches and vertigo.  My feet have been up all day but they hurt too.  I would take some medicine to relieve the muscles but I know they will make me dopey tomorrow.  Therefore I sacrifice my sleep in order to be alert as I know that there is still work for me to do. 

Right now though, I want to thank you Twitter, all of you. Whether you RTd a link, wrote a blog post, tweeted a comment or commented on a blog post, even if you simply read one of them.. thank you.  I have had the most amazing support this week. I have not been able to confide in family or friends about this, they wouldn’t understand and would be frustrated and upset on my behalf, they also have their own problems to deal with. Thank you for being there for me and for listening.

Now, about this blog. Please believe me when I say that I am not showing off , I didn’t make this happen   – YOU  did.. There have been over 6000 views of the blog in just 2 days. * That is incredible. So many people have been affected by this issue, the blog statistics are testament to that.  Could I ask you to help me again though? Please support the vulnerable, help their voices be heard. Fight to stamp out ignorance, discrimination and bullying. Keep this topic trending until the media finally take notice.  Together we are formidable as Ms Dorries must by now be aware.  Her brag of only 50 or so constituents hearing about this must now sound foolish, even to her closed ears. 

Nobody interested?

Tonight, as I lay awake thinking about Nadine Dorries and the effect she has had on my life this week, I wonder if she too is laying awake thinking the same about me?

*Since I posted this article, the blog stats went crazy as you can see.. now over 12.000 in less than one week.. thank you so much Twitter for taking notice!

Dorries Law – The 140 Character Commandments

Since the news first broke on Twitter on Thursday, “Dorries” has been a trending topic.. a very long time for one person to trend (with the exception of the Bieber boy) .  There has been absolute outrage, lots of swearing, serious debates, nasty racist jibes from the BNP crowd at one lovely tweter and most recently mirth..

#DorriesLaw  is a lighthearted dig at the “Honourable Member”.. here are her 140 Character Commandments..

** This is SATIRE, written mostly by disabled tweeters and if offence is caused, it is completely unintentional.. **


  • Deaf people with sign language can work as human traffic lights if     suspended from posts
  • People in wheelchairs could easily play Daleks in Doctor Who
  • There’s nothing more depressing than working in a call centre, so make depressed people work in call centres
  • Blind people can work in coalmines where you can’t really see anything anyway
  • People with multiple personality disorders can easily take on more than one job
  • People on mobility scooters could work as more localised grocery delivery service
  • If these homless types can sell The Big Issue then can get jobs running a newsagents
  • Unemployed? Get your parents to become an MP then they can employ you
  • Are you a midget? Instead of waiting for Xmas to come along to work as a pantomime dwarf, you could clean out some chimneys?
  • Disabled people in wheelchairs to be dropped on Afghanistan as tanks
  • Know what’s happening in twitter and the media – then you should get a job as a political commentator. It’s that easy!
  • On a ventilator? Get a job as a humidifer and stop scrounging from the state you feckless, idle waster
  • The short-sighted can write for The Daily mail
  • Too depressed to move? Get a job as a speed bump!
  • Disabled? Sad? Isolated? Be a sprinkler in the summer! no more hose pipe bans
  • Useless, bigoted, intolerant, prejudiced and offensive to right thinking people? Get a job as Nadine Dorries
  • Severe Dermatitis? You could be putting the flaky into flaky pastry at Greggs
  • Pile undeserving poor up across ports of entry, make it harder for foreigners to get in.
  • The deaf to be employed in all customer contact services for the DWP
  • Disabled by paranoia? Yet another great qualification for writing for the Daily Mail.
  • Dead? Plenty of acting jobs for corpses if you’d just get up off your decomposing arse and look for one.
  • Paraplegic? People will need draught excluders in these coming winter months…
  • Tourettes ? Court stenographer in chav land (Swindon) You probably swear less and it would brighten court..
  • Got epilepsy? Clearly “Fit” For work.
  • That deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pin ball. If he can do that, he can do a proper job.
  • Trouble communicating? Prone to deranged outbursts? Stop scrounging benefits, become a Tory MP and scrounge expenses instead.
  • Lost our satelite signal….thats how rainy it was – anybody with a plate in their head who fancies an evenings work ring me
  • Stephen hawking has a job and can use a computer… He is our benchmark to which we gauge…
  • If you can pick up your Giro you can pick up litter, now get on with it shnell shnell. 
  • Chronic fatigue sufferers! The DWP will employ you to deal with benefits claims. The less able you are, the better!
  • Strong enough to deal with chemo? Strong enough to empty our bins!
  • Got a heroin problem? Start taking speed as well to perk you up. You’ll soon be working 12 hour shifts to aid the recovery
  • Suffering with severe depression? Don’t bother with Prozac, slap on some face paint and become a sad clown mime.
  • Got a sharp knife & a chopping board? Slice cabbages & carrots for money. Yes, you can make Coleslaw under
  • Unemployed? Answer your emails, Nigerian businessmen will offer you money, just give him your bank details & get off benefits
  • The Thing works for the Addams Family and he’s just a detached hand! If he can do it, so can you!
  • Quadruple amputee? Get out there & get a job as a sandbag you lazy shirker. Don’t u know it’s flood season
  • Sale of PCs to the disabled banned. If you can use it, you’re not sick enough for benefits
  • Passed away? Rigor mortis set in? Assume the position and take a job as a coat rack
  • Dyscalculia? Good you’re the ideal person to help me with my expenses.. you’re hired!
  • Multiple personality disorder? Become a libdem mp
  • Stay at home mums deserve respect and a voice!! Unless they’re single mothers on benefits. Then they should STFU.
  • Insomnia? That’s not a proper illness! Get two jobs you work shy scrounger. Haven’t you seen Fight Club?
  • To make the new benefits system even more efficient maybe claimants could also wear a yellow star.
  • VolgaTV. Tory MP admits obsessive new media use, signs off sick, shops herself as benefit fraud & forces self back to work as MP
  • Vertically challenged? Get down your local theatre for a job. It’s nearly panto season again.
  • Drastic cuts for the disabled are needed, because unlike tax evaders, the disabled don’t contribute to my election fund!
  • Disabled folk could easily get work as extras on Holby City or Casualty
  • Newly graduated but unemployed? Get your shameless MP mum to give you a £28K job at the tax payers expense


  • “Chilean miners, you have a lot to learn. I’m in a hole and I didn’t stop digging.” Nadine Dorries on #dorrieslaw


Gonna leave it there, the last one says it all…


Disclaimer: The views expressed above are not necessarily those of Ms Cushion although she giggled all night reading them.

BTW, sorry for not tagging each entry by name.. Humph is very tired 😦   its been a long few days xx

A message from a friend…

Yet again, I’ve been moved to tears by a fellow tweeter with a hidden illness. Tonight, I received this message…

Humph, hello x

I know you’re a bit snowed under, so I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I’ve just (about 2 hours ago) popped on to Twitter for the first time since Weds and I was so shocked to see what’s been going on! It looks like you’re handling the whole sorry situation *amazingly*. I hope you are okay, it must be a little overwhelming, but I am chuffed that you are getting so much support.

It’s funny, because one of the reasons that I haven’t been on there or FB for a few days is that I’ve been off sick for 8 weeks & a ‘colleague’ commented that I seem to be managing to keep up with Twitter & FB okay. Silly cow. She doesn’t get that most of the time I Tweet laying down because I’m in too much pain to move. And I don’t mention being poorly, because I don’t want to moan. It happened to coincide with me going to stay at a friend’s to get some more fun times for (childs name removed) while I rest, so I thought I’d stay off for a while anyway, but I’ll be back & adding my name to the #TeamHumph campaign soon.

Anyway, my time at home has been made immeasurably more pleasant by Twitter – and that includes your brilliantly entertaining Tweets & pics. So not only is your Twitter use helping you through a difficult time, you are helping me too.

Have got to wait till November to see my consultant (it’s a chronic thing, my last ‘flare’ was 10 years ago – I was seen & operated on within 3 weeks back then, so this wait has been a bit of a shock). Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you & I think this is going to work out great for you. So sorry you’ve been the focal point of such ignorance. Take care. Team Humph FTW!



( The reason I havent published her name is that she wishes to remain hidden.. )

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