Twit-Watch UK Week 2, 17th January 2011 #twitwatchuk #Clegg #Miracles #PMQs

First up Nick Clegg who has copped on that he has effectively pissed off isolated a great deal of his GE2010 voters so in response to this obvious-to-everyone-else bolt from the blue has responded by re-naming “The Great Ignored” – “Alarm-Clock Britain” . He is now the Alarm-Clock Britain’s champion!  Quite how he will convince them he is on-side is beyond me, his “no income tax for low earners”   has been completely wiped out by the rise in VAT, Twit-Watch UK shall watch his struggle with interest.

Ken Tong announces “it was all a dweam” a ‘la Bobby Ewing.. well kind of.. He gave an interview to reporter Johann Hari who pointed out to him the dangers of pushing “managed anorexia” onto thousands of teenage girls and that he might be hoisted up by his balls and hung sued for damages. Tong then pleaded with Hari not to publish the interview and declared it was all just a social media joke to see if people would react.. well Ken, we did react, mostly by swearing!

Two miracles seem worthy of report.. firstly Pope John Paul ii has reportedly cured a nun of Parkinson’s disease, from beyond the grave.. He is now being made a Saint, Humph wonder’s if perhaps the nun’s immune system kicked in and did it’s job, I’m sure medical scientists would love to examine her and perhaps help other sufferers but let’s all go with the miracle theory shall we.. #papalfail 

The second miracle is that Susan Hampshire is not actually dead as I previously wrote (thanks @fulhammatty for pointing it out), but sadly Susannah York IS dead.. so RIP and thanks for all the films : ) 

PMQs was a disappointment with David Cameron resorting to insults rather than making any attempt to answer the questions put to him. He ended by calling Ed Miliband “The Nothing Man”.. which put me in mind of this wonderful clip from the movie Shrek.

If Miliband is “The Nothing Man”, surely Cameron with his welfare reforms which include taking DLA from care-home residents is the bullying and disablist Lord Farquaad..

It was a big day for Thomas….

Introducing:

David Cameron as Thomas the Tank Engine

Tony, Edward and Gordon as themselves

Rt Hon Eric Pickles as the Fat Controller

Narrator played mischievously by Ms Cushion

 

Thomas’ Train/A Big Day for Thomas

Thomas: I spend my time pulling coaches about, ready for you to take out on journeys!

Narrator: The other engines laughed.

Thomas: Why can’t I pull passenger trains, too?!

Tony, Edward, and Gordon: You’re too impatient. You’d be sure to leave something behind.

Thomas: Rubbish! I’ll show you!

  *   *   *  *   *   *   * 

Thomas – It is an honour and a privilege to stand here, before the party I lead, before the country I love, as the Conservative prime minister of the United Kingdom.

I want to tell you today, in the clearest terms I can, what we must do together, and what we can achieve together.

Narrator –  Yes, Thomas but you are scaring all the passengers

Thomas –  Look what we’ve done in five months. Just imagine what we can do in five years…

The Fat Controller: Hello! Remember, don’t be impatient, Thomas. You can never be as strong and fast as Gordon, but you can be a really useful engine. Don’t let the silly fucks trucks tease you.

Thomas: From top-down to bottom-up. From state power to people power. The big society spirit blasting through. Peep! Peep! Peep!

Narrator – Well, it made me laugh anyway…

Real excerpts taken from the Thomas the Tank Engine series written by the Rev WV Awdry, quotes taken from David Cameron’s 2010 Conservative Conference speech and some other bits totally made up : )

(P.S.. some people (2678 ) seem to think Dave looks more like a “Hooray Henry… “)

If you like this post, you can vote for it on News Biscuit.

 

D.M forced from front bench by Twitter…

David Miliband is expected to announce later today that he will not stand for Shadow Cabinet under his brother Ed’s Leadership.  What he will not tell you is the real story behind his decision. Luckily, Ms Cushion (investigative journalist extraordinaire) is on the case..

In a leaked (well hacked) email to his brother, David blames Twitter for his retirement.  He says that as much as he loved being on the front bench, he can no longer live with himself for causing so much confusion on Twitter.   He says that he even considered using his middle name Ivan but MSN voiced concerns.  Twitter refused to rename their Direct Messages to Private as that would then force David Cameron to resign.   Darn it..

The Labour Factor…..

 

Nails being bitten, tummies a-flutter.. who will win this year’s Labour Leader contest?  Months of preparation has brought us to this moment, there’s been sweat, tears & laughter. As all true reality TV contestents know, there is an unwritten rule which means they have to wish each other well and convince us they are all best friends and it doesnt matter who wins..

The auditorium is full and buzzing with excitement as we are shown each contestants “Journey”…. Enter Dermot O’Leary, looking suave and classy, clasping a large golden envelope..

The contestents take their places, nervously smiling as Dermot ushers them all to surround him.   The lights drop, spotlights on the 6 people waiting on the stage.  You could hear a pin drop.

Dermot “In no particular order, the three NOT going through to the Final of Labour Leadership are”…   “Candidate 2, sorry you are going home”..  Candidate 5, you MIGHT be the new Labour Leader”.. Candidate 1, you are going home” Candidate 3″..  you will find out after this break..”

Aghhhh

“Welcome back to the Labour Leadership competition 2010”, lights fall.. hush returns to the auditorium..

Candidates 3 and 4 are clinging to each other for support, desperately wishing the other goes home..  “Candidate 3, you ARE going home.. ” 

The rejected Candidates slump off to the sofa holding hands and dabbing at their tears.. its over for them.

Back to Dermot.. one Candidate either side.. “A final word from the Judges?”  Simon says “This is very difficult for me but I will of course support MY act, Candidate 4”.   Dermot clears his throat, “I can now reveal the winner of Labour Leader 2010 is……..

This Years Finalists

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