Nadine’s Adventures in Makingitallupland #Dorries

[In this episode, the role of Alice will be played by Nadine Dorries]

There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever going to get to bed.

“Having given up claiming expenses, I’m blowed if I’ll pay £300 for an hotel!! I’d rather sleep in an car. London, get your act together!” said Alice. 

Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged alibi, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice’s first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted!

“Also found flat key under desk in office, so, no more hotels. #thingsarelookingup” said Alice (8 days later)

 alice-in-wonderland-01

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest London flat garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head though the doorway; (as her ego was SO massive) `and even if my head would go through,’ thought poor Alice, `it would be of very little use as I haven’t got a brain without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.’ For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the pub table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules or a police constable for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle of red on it, (`which certainly was not here before,’ said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME‘ beautifully printed on it in large letters.

It was all very well to say `Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do THAT in a hurry. `No, I’ll look first,’ she said, `and see whether it’s marked “poison” or not’; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by STALKERS wild beasts, and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not stop finding stuff out about Alice remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if your hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was NOT marked `poison,’ so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished herself off it off.

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With thanks and apologies to Lewis Carroll

Occasional Table sourced from Occasional Flat. Key of Convenience to Room of Sudden Alibi Requirement appears courtesy of Imaginationland Industries, a subsidiary of Averbrook & Avinalaugh

“Purely Business Partners” is an anagram of “BFFs” #nobodychecksanagrams #Dorries

Poor old Nadine Dorries MP is in the doo-doo again, she seems to have forgotten who her friends are. Yesterday’s Sunday Mirror exposed a bizarre triangle between Nadine, her “landlord” (and previous local party chairman), the millionaire Andy Rayment and one Romanian “Ramona Ladin”, a mobile hairdresser who it transpires may not just offer blow-dries.  

I digress.. under pressure from the Mirror to talk about their relationship, Nadine denied “I do not believe I have ever met anyone called Ramona Ladin” (who calls Nadine her BEST FRIEND – although to be fair, “Ramona Ladin” could be a made-up name, sounds too working-girl to be true) and stated that “Andy and Ann Rayment are two of my closest friends.” – Hmm, funny just a few weeks ago Nadine told the Standards Committee that Andy & Ann Rayment are ““My business partners, who have nothing to do with me personally-he is just a business partner, with his wife-were very clear that, in going into business, they did not want to be brought into the public domain via my political position.”

I thought I would help Nadine out by refreshing her memory..  Andy & Ann Rayment have been your friends  for many years, as far back as 2009 the Rayments held a party for you at their home in Westoning, inviting 125 guests. Much fun was had by all and the photos were proudly posted to your blog for all to see. You also invited the Rayments to a “Dinner with Davis” in 2011 where this charming photo was taken of you two BFFs.  I’m sure you will be *so* happy to be reminded of this wonderful photo, you may even like print and frame it. They also “rent” you their specially purchased large detached house in Westoning, the one that your dog & daughter reside in, you remember the place surely? You moved in just after your relationship with another best friend’s millionaire husband went belly-up. Andy was also your local party Chairman for several years, he supported you 100% through your many expenses scrapes and –  some would say, “saved your bacon” with the local party on more than one occasion.  He also ignored pleas for help from one of your victims critics on your behalf, so he is clearly a good and loyal friend.

Hope that has helped, I’ve no doubt you will send the police round again thank me in good time, Humph

Nadine and Andy 15th March 2011cropped

Nadine Dorries & Andy Rayment March 2011

(I am certain that this must be an “inadvertent” error that the Standards Committee will be informed about immediately by Nadine. If she’s too busy, I’m sure there will be plenty of others lining up to help her out..)

dorries-rayment

** UPDATED 20/11

Dear Nadine, I’ve found another for your album! This is you with Ann Rayment in 2009, what a lovely pic of you both 🙂

Nadine and woman party

Nadine Dorries & Ann Rayment 2009

You’re welcome, Humph

Trust me, I’m a Copper.. #LeonBriggsRIP

I’m annoyed tonight, it takes a lot to rile me up these days but some things just need saying. As a young girl princesses and air-stewardesses did nothing for me, I was happily brought up on the stories of Enid Blyton and Wonder-Woman, I dreamt instead of becoming a police woman when I grew up.  Entranced by tales of smugglers, evil uncles, kidnappers and thieves – I imagined myself chasing burglars, investigating crime scenes, whipping out my gold lasso and, like in the stories – always bringing the “Baddies” to task.  The police were to me, heroes – the good guys and I have always had tremendous respect for them – my heart still beats fast when I meet one and I panic, less I’ve done something wrong!  I never joined up in the end as, being a *massive* 5’3, I wasn’t tall enough and so I tried out many other professions, finally settling on catering. A far cry from apprehending masked intruders but its a lot of fun (and I wear Wonder Woman pants and a bespoke “Ker-Pow” apron to work!)

Over the past few years my faith in the police however, has been shaken to the core. I’ve discovered that on just a local, personal level, my police force can bend rules and release personal data to suit the whims of an MP. We recently heard that the “Plebgate” police lied in their statements, costing the police force far more in lost trust than the £237,000 inquiry. (I still think it was right that Andrew Mitchell resigned however, you can’t admit to swearing at police and expect to keep a job that commands respect!). Then tragically just this week in Luton, a 38 year old, healthy man who found himself in emotional difficulties, ended up dead in police custody. Leon Briggs’ death is now the subject of an IPCC (Independent Police Complaints Commission) inquiry as “potential criminal offences may have been committed” against Leon. Latest from BBC News here.  How can it be that an innocent person can be forcibly arrested and end up dying at the hands of the very people who should protect us?  Facebook pages are calling for calm in Luton, we still vividly remember the Marsh Farm riots of 1995, which were sparked by the heavy-handed arrest of a 13 year old boy. Lessons should have been learnt.  Clearly, in Luton at least, they have not. 

RIP Leon Briggs and may those responsible for your death be brought to justice promptly. 

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The Four S’s – Fiction Review #DorriesTheAuthor

Today I have been fortunate enough to have access to a literary masterpiece written by new author Nadine Dorries MP. Impressed by her wordsmanship, I feel compelled to put pen to paper myself by writing this review of her work.  

This autobiographical work of fiction, takes us from late Summer 2006 to the present day in an exciting roller-coaster ride full of dramatic twists and u-turns.  Feel the author’s passion as she pours her heart out, taking you on a journey of jealousy, passion, resentment and revenge. Feel the deep emotions of the author on every page as she digs takes you deeper and deeper holes for herself making you plead inwardly for her to stop. Just stop. 

Our “Working Class heroine” bravely battles through torrid tales of botched botox abortions, adultery, alcoholism, liars, thieves, super-powered fetuses, more liars, expense-scandals, handbags, gladrags, liars and of course, the Four Stalkers themselves. 

Watch her stand accused of theft, struggle to find love – turn family against family – ditch love – stand accused of theft, find herself in a jungle, get thrown out of a jungle, stand accused of theft and all the while yearn for someone to just believe in her. 

This truly is a masterpiece of fiction writing, well worth the £66,000+ we, the tax-payer shell out every year in order to support this poor, struggling writer in her endeavors to convince everyone she is not on the fiddle  save the world from evil abortion doctors make this world a better place for her and her daughters pockets

I dread look forward to reading a lot more from this author, I understand she also has this new book coming out..  

Editor Rosie de Courcy said: “Nadine is one of the most naturally gifted storytellers I have ever come across”

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No shit Sherlock.. 😉 

 

 

Photo ht @GaspardWinckler

Fun & Frolics

So, I have been talking to another blogger this week and came to the conclusion that we both need to go back to those heady days of SUCH FUN DARLING that were abruptly stopped by a certain, soon to be de-selected with any luck MP for Mid Bedfordshire.    

How to get back into the swing of writing for the sheer fun of it is a tricky one so I thought I would just bang this out and chuck it in your direction. It is a start. 

That was about the fun, now here are the promised frolics..  

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Well, who doesn’t love a winking dog? 😉

Hasta Luego x

Couldn’t have put it better myself… #Dorries

So I didn’t.. I was sent this today to share with you –  an email written to the Mid Beds Conservatives in regard to our AWOL “Member”, Nadine Dorries..

“Dear Sir/Madam,

I am absolutely appalled by the news that Nadine Dorries has seen fit to abandon her constituency to further her own media profile by appearing on the current series of I’m a Celebrity. I do not think this is a fitting activity for a serving MP. Particularly in the present climate when so many of her constituents are struggling to find work and make ends meet. For her to swan off to Australia – whether or not it is Parliamentary half-term – and to claim that she can continue to represent us while doing so, is at best breathtakingly arrogant and at worst downright insulting. Is she really so naive as to think the show will be edited in any way as to be representative of her views? Does she really think this is the best way to serve the people of this constituency? This seems to me to be nothing more than another example of shameless self-promotion.

I am not a Conservative party member, I did not vote for Nadine Dorries. I am, however, one of her constituents and expected better. I hope you will recognise that this is an abject dereliction of her duty as our MP and move to deselect her.

Yours in disgust”

 

Another via “Mr @Quinsjim”

Dear Sirs,

I am neither a Conservative voter or supporter, but I am a constituent of Mrs Dorries’ 

You will understand by bewilderment, anger and dismay to discover that she has absented herself from her responsibilities here within the constituency to take part in a tacky gameshow.

There can be no excuse for our elected representative to behave this way, seemingly failing even to ensure that adequate cover for her absence was provided by the other local members of parliament.

Unfortunately, as the right to recall has not yet been taken through parliament, the ability to remove a failing MP has not yet fallen to the electors of a constituency, and the ability to effectively terminate the contract of an errant MP lies with the local associations or constituency parties.

I therefore write to ask that you consider the damage that Mrs Dorries does to Bedfordshire, Parliament and, it must be said, the Conservative Party.  I believe that no other sanction but deselection would be appropriate and I urge you to consider it, identify an honourable local Conservative to stand for election – which I feel sure they would be successful in and allow the people of Mid Bedfordshire to enjoy real representation again without the vacuous razzmatazz that has surrounded the current incumbent
.

Yours Faithfully

 

 

A Tale Of Two Tories.. #Dorries

Nadine Dorries in her usual deluded fashion has today compared her publicity-seeking, self-indulgent, highly paid trip to Australia (to appear on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”) to the Ministerial work of fellow Bedfordshire MP, Alistair Burt.  This is what Alistair has to say about himself and his work on his website:

Alistair Burt MP

“As MP for North East Bedfordshire my main job is to represent the constituents of the area, and I hope you will find this website helpful in seeing what I do and where I have been in the constituency in recent weeks. You can also find contact details for my team, and details of advice centre appointment booking.  I also have the honour and privilege of being the Minister for the Middle East, North Africa and South Asia in the Coalition Government, which gives me responsibility for our links with 30 countries.  Travel takes me away from Westminster more than Bedfordshire, and I endeavour to be as available as ever for constituents.  In my absences, my team of  Eve, Katherine, Mandy, Tessa and Jonathan are available to assist you.”  Taken from http://www.alistair-burt.co.uk/

Let’s do a quick comparison shall we? Alistair is a MINISTER, Nadine a back bencher. Alistair has a fantastic team of assistants who cover his constituency in his absence. Nadine employs her daughter Phillippa on a generous, tax-payer funded salary to run her office, despite the fact that Phillippa actually works full-time as a trainee lawyer for Mischon De Reya.  They both claimed just over £158,000 in parliamentary expenses 2008/9 , Dorries as a back bencher, Burt as Assistant Chief Whip and Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party with responsibility for Internal Development.

Alistair is a Burt, Nadine Dorries is a Berk.

Dear Boundary Commission, re: Nadine Dorries

Dear Boundary Commission people, my excuse for a politician MP has written to many in her constituency begging demanding stamping her feet  asking them to write to you in regard to the review you are undertaking.  The letter (pictured below with thanks to @LfcSandra )  contains a template for emails but I prefer to write my own words.

We in Mid Bedfordshire couldnt give a flying fuck are not overly concerned about the boundary changes and have complete faith in your ability to decide what is best for us. What does worry us is the continued presence of a self-serving, bitter, conniving, manipulative, lying MP who is more interested in making personal attacks than doing her duty in representing her constituents. 

God speed your reforms.. 

Best wishes, 

The WHOLE of Mid Bedfordshire 

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The Hypocritical Oaf…

Today our dear leader, David Cameron has preached made a speech at a summit in Sweden about equality. Included in his utter bullshit words of wisdom he said “case is overwhelming that companies and countries run better if you have men and women working together at the top. So the real nub of the issue is how do we accelerate, how do we fast forward to having at least 30% of boards made up by women. The evidence is that there is a positive link between women in leadership and business performance, so if we fail to unlock the potential of women in the labour market, we’re not only failing those individuals, we’re failing our whole economy.”

“That’s where you get down to quotas, which I don’t think you should ever rule out. If you can’t get there in other ways, then maybe you have to have quotas.”

Time to practice what you preach Mr C? 

http://www.number10.gov.uk/the-coalition/the-cabinet/  Currently in the 29 strong Coalition Cabinet we have just 5 female’s. Now, I’m not great at maths but even I can work out that a ratio of 29/5 is a tad short of the desired 30%…

Downing Street later said the government had no plans to introduce quotas and wanted the impetus to come from business….

In other news, David Cameron has shown his full support for his latest scapegoat  Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.  Here is David showing the rest of us “his full support” ; )

David Cameron's Full Support..

David Cameron’s Full Support..

David Cameron's Full Support..

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