“Purely Business Partners” is an anagram of “BFFs” #nobodychecksanagrams #Dorries

Poor old Nadine Dorries MP is in the doo-doo again, she seems to have forgotten who her friends are. Yesterday’s Sunday Mirror exposed a bizarre triangle between Nadine, her “landlord” (and previous local party chairman), the millionaire Andy Rayment and one Romanian “Ramona Ladin”, a mobile hairdresser who it transpires may not just offer blow-dries.  

I digress.. under pressure from the Mirror to talk about their relationship, Nadine denied “I do not believe I have ever met anyone called Ramona Ladin” (who calls Nadine her BEST FRIEND – although to be fair, “Ramona Ladin” could be a made-up name, sounds too working-girl to be true) and stated that “Andy and Ann Rayment are two of my closest friends.” – Hmm, funny just a few weeks ago Nadine told the Standards Committee that Andy & Ann Rayment are ““My business partners, who have nothing to do with me personally-he is just a business partner, with his wife-were very clear that, in going into business, they did not want to be brought into the public domain via my political position.”

I thought I would help Nadine out by refreshing her memory..  Andy & Ann Rayment have been your friends  for many years, as far back as 2009 the Rayments held a party for you at their home in Westoning, inviting 125 guests. Much fun was had by all and the photos were proudly posted to your blog for all to see. You also invited the Rayments to a “Dinner with Davis” in 2011 where this charming photo was taken of you two BFFs.  I’m sure you will be *so* happy to be reminded of this wonderful photo, you may even like print and frame it. They also “rent” you their specially purchased large detached house in Westoning, the one that your dog & daughter reside in, you remember the place surely? You moved in just after your relationship with another best friend’s millionaire husband went belly-up. Andy was also your local party Chairman for several years, he supported you 100% through your many expenses scrapes and –  some would say, “saved your bacon” with the local party on more than one occasion.  He also ignored pleas for help from one of your victims critics on your behalf, so he is clearly a good and loyal friend.

Hope that has helped, I’ve no doubt you will send the police round again thank me in good time, Humph

Nadine Dorries & Andy Rayment March 2011

(I am certain that this must be an “inadvertent” error that the Standards Committee will be informed about immediately by Nadine. If she’s too busy, I’m sure there will be plenty of others lining up to help her out..)

** UPDATED 20/11

Dear Nadine, I’ve found another for your album! This is you with Ann Rayment in 2009, what a lovely pic of you both 🙂

Nadine Dorries & Ann Rayment 2009

You’re welcome, Humph

The Hypocritical Oaf…

Today our dear leader, David Cameron has preached made a speech at a summit in Sweden about equality. Included in his utter bullshit words of wisdom he said “case is overwhelming that companies and countries run better if you have men and women working together at the top. So the real nub of the issue is how do we accelerate, how do we fast forward to having at least 30% of boards made up by women. The evidence is that there is a positive link between women in leadership and business performance, so if we fail to unlock the potential of women in the labour market, we’re not only failing those individuals, we’re failing our whole economy.”

“That’s where you get down to quotas, which I don’t think you should ever rule out. If you can’t get there in other ways, then maybe you have to have quotas.”

Time to practice what you preach Mr C? 

http://www.number10.gov.uk/the-coalition/the-cabinet/  Currently in the 29 strong Coalition Cabinet we have just 5 female’s. Now, I’m not great at maths but even I can work out that a ratio of 29/5 is a tad short of the desired 30%…

Downing Street later said the government had no plans to introduce quotas and wanted the impetus to come from business….

In other news, David Cameron has shown his full support for his latest scapegoat  Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.  Here is David showing the rest of us “his full support” ; )

Exclusive – First Twinterview with Larry the Downing Street Cat..

Today I had the honour of being the first blogger to interview Larry, the new Downing Street Chief Rat-Catcher.  I approached him nervously as he has already attacked a journalist this week but offering him a saucer of cream seemed to appease him.  To gain his confidence I told him about my puss-cat Pickles, named after the big man of the moment, Eric of course.

Rat-Watching, Downing ST Style..

I asked Larry about his past, all I really knew about him was that he is four years old and was brought in to sort out the pest problem in Downing Street which has been growing gradually worse since May 2010.  Huge rats have been seen entering No.10, they are growing in confidence as well as size and have even been known to wave at photographers!

Larry is no stranger to rodents, having served his apprenticeship with the Marquis of  Carabas, then forming a partnership with an odd young man with big ideas. Together they headed to London where he was initially treated as a hero but soon forgotten as his then Master became more and more wrapped up in a crazy bicycle rental scheme.  

Poor Larry was at his wit’s end, penniless and forgotten when he was invited to stay in a Big house, along with other losers guests. Larry loved it in the Big house, he had as much cream as he could eat and played happily with the others until he was suddenly thrown out back on the streets again.

Since then Larry has tried to find work, appearing on the odd TV programme but finding himself ridiculed and even despised.  

Until now..  this could indeed be the lucky break he has longed for.  His mission is to clear out all the rodents and undesirables, not just from Downing Street but the whole of the UK.   Our Big Society cat.

Watch out, Larry's about !

Cameron’s Pig Society !

David Cameron today tried to convice Britain yet again that we’re all in it together, in one Big Society… Judging by his new-found jowls, Ms Cushion thinks he meant one Pig Society!  All in the trough together.. ? 

Oink Oink..

TwitWatchUK – Week 5 – Oil Baron’s, Trees and “Oh Sheeeet”‘s

Another week already, who would’ve thunk?

This week has been mostly overshadowed with the unrest in Egypt. Despite the “Day of Departure” demonstration, the ruling President Murbarak still maintains his position, some people just can’t take a hint can they.. ?

In other news, the Conservative’s have cleverly solved the war over NHS reforms by smoking us out with library closures and  forest-selling.  The forest-selling off really won’t affect us though as they already have it under control..

 

They took all the trees
And put them in a tree museum
And they charged all the people
A dollar and a half to see ’em

Available for sale for just £21.80 (I kid you not)

 

Da da da da da da da da da da… doesn’t sound the same without the music does it?

In TV news this week the delightfully sweary grandma from Gavin and Stacey, Margaret John passed away *sad face* 84 year old Margaret said in 2010 “I get hugged by women and kissed by men in supermarkets. It’s lovely!”  “It’s great to be a sex goddess at my age!”   But *happy face* it was announced that the hit 80’s Dallas, last aired in 1991 would be returning to our screens..YAY! But how will they bring it back? Ms Cushion would love it to return via another Patrick Duffy/aka Bobby Ewing “it was all just a dream” shower scene..

Speaker John Bercow’s wife Sally caused a right rumpus again this week, this time posing in just a bedsheet for a Valentine’s newspaper special.  While I think she was probably a bit daft to pose as she did, let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that… doesn’t mean that we can’t take the mick mercilessly though does it ; )

TwitwatchUK – Week Three (24th Jan)

Welcome to this week’s TwitWatch UK..  as usual we have a load of old crap some great stories from the past week to share with you.

Weather-wise, it was reported that 2010 was the coldest UK winter on record,  whilst  being the 2nd warmest year Globally. Do you think someone has it in for us? Maybe it’s a conspiracy along the lines of “why can’t we ever win the Eurovision Song Contest” despite cheating our way into the final’s every year donating towards the contest costs?
 

Yay!  Top Gear came back!  Clarkson heroically had a helicopter land on the roof of a car he was driving.. it was like watching James Bond, only well, you know.. Clarkson is really scruffy, annoying and not in the least bit fanciable. APART from that.. it was awesome : ) Another Yay! Richard Hammond finally cut his hair, I think Mummy must have put her foot down although he is still wearing his 18-30s necklace..  Best of all though, they introduced a new Stig, who says women cant’ drive? ; )

A new comedy show was launched on TV this week with a live format.. The 10 O’Clock Show.. it was good but a bit like watching a Twitter stream that’s already three days old.

The best news of the week for me was that Ed Balls was finally appointed as Shadow Chancellor, sadly at the expense of Alan Johnson’s resignation but hey, the HOC will be a much livelier place from now on! Hopefully he is the man to kick Ed Miliband up the jacksy and we will see some proper opposition at last.

Andy Coulson also resigned this week so Twitter has de-twibboned from  “Sack Coulson”  and re-twibboned “Arrest Coulson” instead.. 

Mama Mia, here she goes again..  Meryl Streep was spotted at PMQs last week, swatting up for her imminent role as Margaret Thatcher in the film “The Iron Lady”. Humphrey just hopes it’s not a singing role, although “Money Money Money” would be rather appropriate.

Lastly and Ghastly.. my favourite tweeter stopped tweeting :*(   This post (sorry it’s crap) is dedicated to the much missed @Gaijinsan21, we hope you come back soon, Humphrey Twitter just isn’t the same without you x

It might all go horribly wrong..

To mark the fact we’ve entered a new year, @Chislehurst has suggested I make a news round-up avatar every week.. (so blame him)..  My idea is to write a blogpost to accompany it, as I said.. it might all go horribly wrong!

Watch this space.. 

(but not for too long, it’s only Sunday – a week from now is a long time to stare tbh)

A Christmas Star…. @Ivan_Jelical #OMFG

Have been trying to find the words to describe this video.. I have watched the contents unfold over the past 24 days with a mixture of horror, dread and total, unequivocal glee 😀 😀  

Ms H Cushion proudly presents “Ivan_Jelical’s Advent Aventure”

        *         *         *         *         *          *          *           *          *           

Surely a YouTube star in the making ; )

Heads I Win…

Since 1840 the Monarchy’s head has appeared on British stamps, one attempt by Tony Benn in 1965 to change that failed.. Now, just 8 months into our Coalition government, Royal Mail is up for sale and the back of our Monarch’s head could be licked for the last time.  Whilst images of bright orange Tango or Easy Jet’d post boxes and vans spring horrifically to mind,  the Coalition blame Labour, Labour blame the Coalition, Labour/Coalition, Coalition/Labour… lets call the whole thing off….

Personally, I am surprised by the government’s epic failure to protect the status quo, however it does leave Ms Cushion with a marvellous opportunity ; )

Thanks to @johnrisby for the stamp link ; )

Nice little learner… #vincecable

 

Vince Cable has been well and truly caught out by scheming reporters for the Telegraph..  At last we know his true feelings, pity that he had to be tricked into revealing them though, what a shame he didn’t show some integrity and resign over the tuition fees policy.   In being “outed” in this way, rather than standing for what he believes in, I fear his position has been seriously weakened, he is no longer a threat to the coalition, a bit of a laughing-stock if anything. All the better for Danny Alexander, am keeping an eye on him, methinks he aims to replace Nick Clegg within the next two years.

“A Nice Little Learner”..  Arthur Daley played by Vince Cable..  Sherry & Terry played by undercover Telegraph reporters.. Most of Arthur’s lines taken from the Telegraph transcript, the rest may be made up ; )

Terry: “Alwight Arfur? Hows ‘er indoors? Still at it ‘ammer n tongs?”

Arthur:  “Well, there is a constant battle going on behind the scenes”

Sherry: “Aw Arfur, you shouldnt be so ‘ard on ‘er, you luv ‘er really”

Arthur: “I am picking my fights, some of which you may have seen, some of which you may haven’t seen”

Terry:  You know we’re from The Telegraph don’t you?

Arthur:  You played a blinder Terry..

 

Yeah, I know its a bit crap.. @fulhammatty told me.. *cringe*