I have a secret…

I have a secret, eating away. Living with me for months but rejected, despised.  Hidden in the corner of my room, unused, unwanted but needed. Needed more each day but still I leave it there, turn my back and walk away, refusing to give in. 

I hate it, I hate all it stands for, as befriending it means giving a piece of myself away. Giving away my freedom, giving away my stupid, stubborn pretence that I am able to live without it.  A constant reminder of my imperfections and vulnerability. An admission that my life will never be the same again. 

Vertigo spins my head, pain throbs through my feet, my neck  – yet still I steady myself on a wall, a chair, a person. The Secret stares at me, willing me to admit defeat but still I resist and look away. The Secret remains, resting but never sleeping, ready for the day that I reach out to it and surrender..

The Secret


  1. […] year on, I am now walking with a stick, yes, I took “the Secret” out this week after so much Twitter support..  I was amazed at the difference it made, not […]

  2. I have my own secret, that trying to out me, as it wants to come to work with me… it and my bloody legs – ok the whole of my body – is(are) conspiring .

    I think it just wants to know what I do when I leave it standing in the corner all alone. Plus I think it’s scared of the dog!

  3. My grandfather used to have “a secret”. One day, when playing with it (stop sniggering at the back!), I realised it held a concealed blade, some 2′ or so long.

    I often wondered why he might have a secret, within “a secret”, so to speak. Whether the mild mannered 50-something was a righter of wrongs, fighting against the injustices on the mean streets of South Yorkshire.

    Years later, I admitted having found the blade while playing with the stick and asked him what he used it for (I’d been far too scared at the time).

    “I didn’t even know about that myself. I bought the stick at a charity shop when my knee started to go.”

    But then, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

  4. My daugther has recently given in and starting using a “secret”, at 19 admitting she needs it was really difficult.

    • Bless her, I’ve been advised to “wear it well” so may invest in a cape and funky hat ; ) xx

      • Go for it!!!! I suggested to my daughter she add ribbons and beads etc to her “secret”.

  5. Use the secret for good – I am sure we can all think of “someone” in your “constituency” who needs a damn good thrashing! 🙂 xxxx

  6. Once again,beautiful and moving. Never stop writing. I feel very privileged to call you a friend.

  7. Aaahhh, we share a secret then. But as I’m a bloke mine is all metal and macho.

    I do find it amusing when I use “the secret” and people ask why. It usually then leads to that great comment “you don’t look disabled”.

    Option 1 = you don’t look thick, but…..

    Option 2 = take secret and insert…..

    If you do start to use your (not so) secret (any more), I know a place where you can have them made to your own designs and colours.

    You be proud of who you are and don’t you worry about whether you carry a handbag or use the secret. There is no difference my love, and you are in charge of both.

    • oh and please share where we can have them made to our own design… whoooooo

      *fans herself* and starts to plan secret accessories! 😉

      • Ha ha, I was sent a link earlier by @gaijinsan21 for a Batman one.. with a hidden sword!! Cool or WHAT!

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