Dorries Law – The 140 Character Commandments

Since the news first broke on Twitter on Thursday, “Dorries” has been a trending topic.. a very long time for one person to trend (with the exception of the Bieber boy) .  There has been absolute outrage, lots of swearing, serious debates, nasty racist jibes from the BNP crowd at one lovely tweter and most recently mirth..

#DorriesLaw  is a lighthearted dig at the “Honourable Member”.. here are her 140 Character Commandments..

** This is SATIRE, written mostly by disabled tweeters and if offence is caused, it is completely unintentional.. **

 

• Deaf people with sign language can work as human traffic lights if     suspended from posts
• People in wheelchairs could easily play Daleks in Doctor Who
• There’s nothing more depressing than working in a call centre, so make depressed people work in call centres
• Blind people can work in coalmines where you can’t really see anything anyway
• People with multiple personality disorders can easily take on more than one job
• People on mobility scooters could work as more localised grocery delivery service
• If these homless types can sell The Big Issue then can get jobs running a newsagents
• Unemployed? Get your parents to become an MP then they can employ you
• Are you a midget? Instead of waiting for Xmas to come along to work as a pantomime dwarf, you could clean out some chimneys?
• Disabled people in wheelchairs to be dropped on Afghanistan as tanks
• Know what’s happening in twitter and the media – then you should get a job as a political commentator. It’s that easy!
• On a ventilator? Get a job as a humidifer and stop scrounging from the state you feckless, idle waster
• The short-sighted can write for The Daily mail
• Too depressed to move? Get a job as a speed bump!
• Disabled? Sad? Isolated? Be a sprinkler in the summer! no more hose pipe bans
• Useless, bigoted, intolerant, prejudiced and offensive to right thinking people? Get a job as Nadine Dorries
• Severe Dermatitis? You could be putting the flaky into flaky pastry at Greggs
• Pile undeserving poor up across ports of entry, make it harder for foreigners to get in.
• The deaf to be employed in all customer contact services for the DWP
• Disabled by paranoia? Yet another great qualification for writing for the Daily Mail.
• Dead? Plenty of acting jobs for corpses if you’d just get up off your decomposing arse and look for one.
• Paraplegic? People will need draught excluders in these coming winter months…
• Tourettes ? Court stenographer in chav land (Swindon) You probably swear less and it would brighten court..
• Got epilepsy? Clearly “Fit” For work.
• That deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pin ball. If he can do that, he can do a proper job.
• Trouble communicating? Prone to deranged outbursts? Stop scrounging benefits, become a Tory MP and scrounge expenses instead.
• Lost our satelite signal….thats how rainy it was – anybody with a plate in their head who fancies an evenings work ring me
• Stephen hawking has a job and can use a computer… He is our benchmark to which we gauge…
• If you can pick up your Giro you can pick up litter, now get on with it shnell shnell. 
• Chronic fatigue sufferers! The DWP will employ you to deal with benefits claims. The less able you are, the better!
• Strong enough to deal with chemo? Strong enough to empty our bins!
• Got a heroin problem? Start taking speed as well to perk you up. You’ll soon be working 12 hour shifts to aid the recovery
• Suffering with severe depression? Don’t bother with Prozac, slap on some face paint and become a sad clown mime.
• Got a sharp knife & a chopping board? Slice cabbages & carrots for money. Yes, you can make Coleslaw under
• Unemployed? Answer your emails, Nigerian businessmen will offer you money, just give him your bank details & get off benefits
• The Thing works for the Addams Family and he’s just a detached hand! If he can do it, so can you!
• Quadruple amputee? Get out there & get a job as a sandbag you lazy shirker. Don’t u know it’s flood season
• Sale of PCs to the disabled banned. If you can use it, you’re not sick enough for benefits
• Passed away? Rigor mortis set in? Assume the position and take a job as a coat rack
• Dyscalculia? Good you’re the ideal person to help me with my expenses.. you’re hired!
• Multiple personality disorder? Become a libdem mp
• Stay at home mums deserve respect and a voice!! Unless they’re single mothers on benefits. Then they should STFU.
• Insomnia? That’s not a proper illness! Get two jobs you work shy scrounger. Haven’t you seen Fight Club?
• To make the new benefits system even more efficient maybe claimants could also wear a yellow star.
• VolgaTV. Tory MP admits obsessive new media use, signs off sick, shops herself as benefit fraud & forces self back to work as MP
• Vertically challenged? Get down your local theatre for a job. It’s nearly panto season again.
• Drastic cuts for the disabled are needed, because unlike tax evaders, the disabled don’t contribute to my election fund!
• Disabled folk could easily get work as extras on Holby City or Casualty
• Newly graduated but unemployed? Get your shameless MP mum to give you a £28K job at the tax payers expense

 

• “Chilean miners, you have a lot to learn. I’m in a hole and I didn’t stop digging.” Nadine Dorries on #dorrieslaw

 

Gonna leave it there, the last one says it all…

 

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are not necessarily those of Ms Cushion although she giggled all night reading them.

BTW, sorry for not tagging each entry by name.. Humph is very tired 😦   its been a long few days xx

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